Losing Hope

Chapter 8

One month and seventeen days before the accident

I woke up this morning, my head filled with doubts. Caroline's words were still going over and over in my mind, like a broken record player, stuck on the same annoying note. Her words of truth that no one other than them would be able to stand me, making me stuck with the group of people that didn't value my opinion or even wanted me to open my mouth to talk.

I still had no idea why they were friends with me, I only knew that the only time they wanted me around was when I was keeping my mouth shut.

When I spoke up to them in the cafeteria yesterday, questioning them about their bullshit conversation, I crossed a line that I found myself crossing many times. As a reward of my defiance, I got the wakeup call I had already given myself many times over, that I had no one.

'Oh please, Hope, stop, they wouldn't even look at you twice, so stop trying to defend them.' Her word ringing in my ears, combined by my own thought of doubt.

I should value the girls in my life, they keep me company and make sure I'm not left alone. That should be enough, shouldn't it? But seeing how others had it, how Aiden and Alice's friend group was so caring yet carefree, so protective yet so outgoing with each other, made me dream of more.

I knew that their group was never even on the table for me, they didn't let anyone into their circle. But even though I knew this, Caroline's words of truth had still hurt. The doubt was now clear in my mind, and I wondered if I even deserved real friends or if I was just destined to live my life without anyone real to share it with.

I dreaded having to spend another day following behind the footsteps of the people that would never see me as their equal. I dreaded having to keep my thoughts and words inside of me for another day, each day losing another part of myself.

...

Saying goodbye to my busy parents as I was heading out of the door, was like I was speaking to the actual door with the lack of response I got from them. No scratch that, at least the door creaked when I closed it in my departure, that was more of a response than the daily quietness my parents met me with. They were always too busy to pay attention to me. Too busy with work, too busy with each other, too busy with anything else than raising me and my sister.

Many times I wondered why my parents had named me Hope, it wasn't as if they needed me in their lives, it seemed more like the opposite. Maybe they named me Hope because they hoped I would go away, I thought bitterly. I knew that my name had never brought me any good at least. My life had been spent hoping for better things to come, hoping someone would enter my life that actually cared about me. But my hope, just as my name, never brought me anything good.

Walking to school, I thought about my parents, how I found no love in my relationship with them, and I thought about my friends, who took more love than they gave, which was none. As I walked, I wondered how today would go, if they would ignore me from my stunt yesterday or if it would be forgotten and we would be back to our kind of normal.

...

In school, I didn't see my friends by their lockers as I usually did. Standing alone in the crowded hall, searching for their faces amongst all the walking pupils, I found none of my friends. Realization hit me that they were still angry about my speaking up to them yesterday. With a sinking feeling, I realized I would have to spend another day alone, it reminded of how my life had always been, spent in solitude.

Looking down toward the ground, feeling as if everyone around me was staring at me, judging me for how pathetic I was, I didn't see where I was going. Feeling someone bump into me, fast and hard, made me drop my books in a thumb on the floor, almost falling down myself and joining them.

From the force of the blow, looking up, I was expecting to see some huge guy, standing above me with a satisfied smile. But as my eyes made their way upward, I wasn't met by some muscly chest, but the black leathered-, blond haired, and blue eyed girl, that my friend called Alice the malice.

The irritation on her face was clear as her eyebrows furrowed together and her lips went down in a soured expression. But as her angry eyes met mine, they softened a bit, and I wondered if it was from the fright she could see in my bulging eyes.

'Oh, it's just you. I was ready to smack you senseless.' her laughter boomed in the hallway, replacing the quietness our collision had created.

I didn't know if I should be scared by the fact that she was about to slap me, or relieved that she decided not to when she saw who I was. That fact surprised me even more, I didn't even know she knew I existed, and here she was declaring that she recognized who I was.

'Where are your bitchy friends today?' she asked me with what sounded like sarcasm in her voice after her laughing fit ended.

So that's how she knew who I was, from my friends, of course.

'They're ignoring me,' I said sheepishly, embarrassed to admit their childish behavior. 'I said something I shouldn't have yesterday, so they are ignoring me as punishment.' I continued when I saw the questioning look on her face.

But my confession only drove a more confused and repulsed expression to her face.

'Well, I would say that bitchy is an understatement. What could you have said that made them so angry, I didn't think they had any brain capacity to even become offended.' she said and snickered at her comment about them.

I didn't understand why she continued to talk to me, why she didn't only walk away, but I didn't want to lose her attention, not when someone like her was finally talking to someone like me.

'I defended someone, someone that couldn't be there to defend themselves, and they didn't really like that...' I started, not wanting to tell her that it had actually been her, and her friends, that I had been defending.

'That's shitty of them, well, they seem like shitty persons so that explains it.' Alice responded. I didn't know what to respond. I knew I should defend my friends, she was bad mouthing them just as they usually do her. The only difference was that what Alice said were true, Caroline and the girls really weren't good people and I couldn't find it in myself to defend them.

As the minute between us stretched out, me not knowing how to respond and Alice only looking at me with her curious eyes, I wondered how long this moment could last before she walked away, leaving me alone again.

Before my thought could become reality as I thought it would, Alice opened her mouth again and asked me something I never thought she, or her friends, ever would.

'I was thinking since you're not hanging out with your stuck up friends, why don't you come and hang out with us today, I have some friends I want to introduce you to?' she asked as her wicked smile spread over her face, and glee filled her eyes as she cocked up some kind of plan in her mind.

I didn't know what her motive was behind the proposition, all I knew was that this was everything I had been dreaming of, and as I said yes, I didn't think a second further about why this was happening.

...

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