The Holiday disaster

The holiday distress

            It was all supposed to be fun and jolly yet all that it was, was dark and gloomy. All looked broken and dirty. The world was falling at our feet and the world beneath it arised. These firery demons of the underground of our brain came up to torture and suffocate the reality we live in.
         The idea you have a disorder but know it's just a silly feeling. Dazed and confused but once your head is in the clouds then your just an outsider watching yourself live, while being conscious.
           With all the destruction we walked with a smile, down the cold boardwalk. While some went along, two of us stayed behind to make sure all was alright.
          Insanity like a sleeping volcano, never knowing when it will go off but checking on it with fear it did.
          We just sat there on a cold windy bench in the darkest December we ever seen. This feeling over took us. Almost guiding us to talk and it all came out like word vomit. This scary feeling of wanting to be alone but not physically.
          In need of the attention, of someone to care enough to notice. We all want someone to be there so we don't feel so alone. Yet we all are, so alone that we got too used to it being our normal, that to have a persons presence mentally is too terrifying. Too nervous to open up about the thoughts with fear of rejection and judgment from the only person on the inside. It was like this messed up dream that you can't remember. You're just sad and anxious for no reason.

          But that would be impossible right?

    The real reason is in our uncounsious. These demon that linger but are unnoticed because if not suppressed would drive you to a point of no return.
           Yet the voices get loud at night don't they? Each one telling you something else when you least expect it. Pop up in your dreams and effects you during the night just so you can wake up and forget it all in the morning, to keep you from ripping your hair out.
        It seemed like everyone was going though something and over compensating for it with the upcoming holidays. Less about the happiness and relaxation but more about the stress over the physical objects, to prove to someone their worth to you. To let them know they matter or at least we thought of them. Then expect something in return so we can feel like WE matter, when then you question if you really do.
            The system was made to be like a secret "concentration camp" where we are "free" yet we all are just numbers in the system. The more the numbers the less trees there are. The more this stress builds up for them.
        Why do you think you fill out the lunch papers in school but still get the free lunch if you don't?
     We are numbers to help the school get money so the teachers who don't teach get enough to support the future numbers of system. The understanding can degrade you, so we hide it deep in our brains and don't think about it.
        As if we were all so sad that we bought these things to fill the void where the love should be. With knowing the truth we lower the chances of love. Love is blind always has been and always will be. A reaction based simply on impulse.
      A feeling lower than your heart that will make you believe it will trigger the love to block the logic to your brain. If it doesn't, now that you had a taste of the act of your body you start craving it. However, if it does you get hurt and you hurt so bad that it destroys you in every which way. But we fall in love so much and get hurt even more times then we can count. With this hurt there comes this empty feeling you need to fill, the holidays make this possible.
     To pack and wrap it so we can distract ourselves. Make things pretty to cover up the ugliest dull feeling that consumes us.
        We give those gifts to catch other people's smiles through objects but not mentally so we feel like we aren't alone when we are lonely. We make these "friends" who we tell and trust with nothing. Since we don't show enough emotion to pretend we care.
        However, we can't blame ourselves for more crimes than we commit. These people in return are just like us; they are us. They don't care enough to know our first name or even wish us a birthday blessing. But this continues to satisfy the lonely. It builds up and convinces you to give everyone something for them to be happy during the Holidays. A twisted understanding that the world is bad but thinking if you shove happiness down the worlds throat maybe something will change. It never does just at the end you have less than what you started with. More disappointment then you had.
        Less patience, less money but a warm feeling of seeing that you did make someone happy. Like siking yourself out based on someones smile.
       Its too difficult to keep your thoughts light when you're in need of a companion but too scared to try. With the lack of caring we still try to balance these friendships on superficial objects and brainless banter. To keep these people around to not feel the scary cold feeling that comes with opening up. But even if they are around that feeling lingers?
        When your alone and in pain, nobody will be with you only the feeling. Even your shadow will leave when things get dark. Your demons is all you have, you must address them before they take you; in fact they are you, creeping around in the unconsions where the real dark desires are.
           The holiday cant be mental since all of us are on our own path and too stubborn to look to others and understand and explain what we feel. To hide our feelings and pretend we dont care just to appear unbothered so nobody approches us in fear of loving and the pain that comes with it.
        Its less about family and friends that most of us dont have. Just something to look forward to and then try to look forward to something else so we dont feel time but instead avoid it.
       The desire to slow it down but not having the ability to do so makes us hate time. Yet its not an enemy at all and shouldnt be seen as one. Instead it brings the memories and lessons. Yes it passes but more are on the way, or so we convince ourselves to keep the hope. That is where the idea of god comes in.
        First fully pushed out of proportion in the middle ages when uneducated people didnt have a way to live. The church exaggerated this idea of god to rise in power. We all are power hungry addicts. These holidays were based on religous figures but its not about that any more. Its all about how its advertised to the people. The holidays are just a way to make money off of poor consumers that want to be rich with happiness for two days. And the people on the top only get richer. The system is made this way for the poor to never make it up while the rich have to find a balance so they dont loose it all but its easier to get higher if you are already high.
        The idea of god still benefits the poor. With giving them this hope that if they subject their whole life to following rules they can be happy in the after life.
   But you only have one life and you can never get it back so enjoy while you have it. After all you can't buy happiness you must make it.