Shame || ZouisTalik

'YouTube was like dreaming, it's always the opposite of what you have.'

Recap*

"There's 2 kinds of people in this world Shameful or Shameless, and I think everyone chooses there path on their own, no one else makes the choice. Well I chose my path all on my own, a very long time ago..."

Giving a quick sigh Zayn continued

"I know who I am and I have accepted that I'm different to everybody else...I'm not the smiley singing guy you see, in-fact I'm nothing like him. I reacted a little different to the way boys stare at girls I never knew what guys see in girls...."

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Zayn's POV*

"I had always known in the back of my head that there was something different about me. I thought it was just a phase.... except it never passed."

My fingertips traced along the rough scars trailing along my arms, feeling my eyes swell and burn as my fingertips rose over the bumps claiming my arm.

"Growing up I had always heard that the word 'gay' was not good. You shouldn't be proud to be gay, happy or anything of the kind. That word... i--i--it scared me. It still does. (sighs, bites lip) Today is the 14th of August, 2014, my name is Zayn Malik, and... I'm just a shameful gay."

I weakly smiled to the camera before reaching over to turn it off. I didn't want them to see me weak. Everyone else that saw me hurt, left. They left because I'm a weak boy, a disgrace, a disgust. And they were right, I'm a shame to anyone seen with me, near me.

That's probably why I joined YouTube to begin with. No one would run away from me because I was weak, or at least I couldn't see them leave. I aspired to the people on YouTube. People loved them for being themselves, something I never knew about. Watching people's lives on YouTube was like dreaming, it's always the opposite of what you have. I loved the ones that could never be like me, because that way, I could escape reality for a bit.

My favorite YouTuber of them all has to be Louis Tomlinson, or 'the tommo' as he is called on YouTube. I couldn't possibly name one thing that we have in common, that's why I love him so much. He's talented, funny, witty, good looking and popular. All things I wouldn't have a clue about.

Recently Louis' channel reached 800,000 subscribers and he promised his viewers that if he reached 1 million, he would release a new original song. I took it as my duty being a 'mini tommo' as he calls us, to make it my life on social media to try and gain him as many fans as possible. Every day I am constantly trying to represent Louis as an artist and as a brand. I feel like it is my responsibility to re-pay him for the videos he produces for us, for me.

Sure, call me what-ever you want, crazy, obsessed, stupid, I've heard it all before. More often than not. I don't let it get to me because I know, that even though I've never met him, Louis' loves me. Just like he does all his 'mini tommos'.

"Zayn?" The sweetly soft voice swooped through my door filling the air in the room.

"Mhhm." I mumbled in response letting my mother know that I was occupying the room. After hesitation I heard the hinges of the door squeak allowing me to know that my mother was in-fact entering the room.

"Don't you think you had better get going to bed?" My mother stroked my hair as she smoothly lulled into my ear.

"We've got that doctors appointment tomorrow." She hummed continuing to stroke my hair before moving behind me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She was my best friend, my only friend besides my old friend from school, Harry. I told her everything and I return she told me everything back. The day my father left only bonded us closer together, which is why it pained me so much the day she got diagnosed.