Ramblings about my life

Re; love

I've found that you can fall in love with the idea of a person just as much as you can fall for them as a person. Which sucks because you can miss the idea of them just as much as their physical presence.
I am being waaaaay too deep here holy shit it's Christmas night for god's sake I am supposed to be upstairs, eating too much candy and drinking too much cider/soda. Yes I call pop soda fight me I'm different.
But eh. Missing the idea of someone is so much worse and more painful than missing their presence. Especially if it's someone you've fallen deeply in love with and are almost never around so you inadvertently fall in love with the idea of them.
As I type this, I'm waiting for the goddamn Wi-Fi to come back on. So I might not post it till tomorrow: aka now, if that makes any sense to you guys.
I miss him. Not just the idea of him, but him as a whole. Idea and physical being. And no, it's not the same him from my previous rants, no this is two different boys from that him. One I miss his physical presence, his jokes and his laughter, the other I miss the idea of him because that's what I've fallen in love with.
He doesn't pay much attention to me in school and we don't have classes together. Dunno whether to thank the powers that be or curse them out in the foulest way possible.
The other one, the one I miss as a tangible being, is always nice to me and says hi in the halls. He's broken, so badly, and I want to be the one to fix him. It sounds selfish but that's how I am, I want to help him and fix him. So much. More than anything.
I might tell him about this account, not tell him it's me, and let him read this. Should I? I don't know myself. I get that he needs time alone but I need someone so badly.
Both of them have said they won't date me. I-i just don't know what to do.
The Wi-Fi still isn't up. It's 8:25 pm rn.
Hah. I need the damn Wi-Fi to come up.