My Beautiful Person💖

The Pain

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor crying. They're at work right now and I called in "Sick" to work today. I was to hard to get out of bed today and I know I wouldn't be able to function correctly today. I've locked the bathroom door even though nobody is home. The ache in my chest seems to never go away but today its worse. I don't know why it's so bad today it just is. my entire body is vibrating for my sobs. I can't breath, it's to difficult, and honestly I don't want to breath anymore. I didn't tell them that I was feeling this way today. I don't know why I didn't say anything I just didn't. I'm so used to just not saying anything and dealing with it. My back is against the door and I open the cabinent under the sink and reach up to the top. I peel the tape off. A small cold meta razor falls into my hand. I have to hide it here because They can't know I still do this. I grip it in my hand hard and I can feel the sharp end pressing ainst my skin. I just sit there crying with the razor in my hand for what seems like hours. I keep getting flashback of what happened.

"Shut up!" he whispers in m ear. I'm sobbing so hard my body is rocking. He just laughs at me staring at me. I try to cover myself but its impossible, my hands are bound with his belt. He smacks me hard. My face is stinging  and he hits me again. He's enjoying this I can't do anything. I'm helpless , he lays on top of me, caressing my cheek and laughing when I try and pull away.

I can't get that sick look out of my head. It's just there and it never seems to go away. I roll up my pajama pants to the top of my thigh. I'm still crying and I can't stop. My hands are shaking but only from sobbing, I'm not scared to do this because I've done it so many times and it feels so good to do. It helps express the feelings I can't seem to . I know its not good but I can't stop it. I slide the razor against the soft skin of my thigh. I've got scars from doing this but I don't care, I cut over the scars. The blood starts to drip down my legs. I know it's sick but I love seeing the blood. It only stings a little. I Push down harder, I want to feel the pain, the same amount of pain I feel on the inside, inside my chest. I keep cutting making thin, deep lines across my thighs. I's going to hurt like a bitch later but I don't mind. Eventually I run out of space on my thighs so I move up to my hips. When I was younger this is where I cut because I was on the wrestling team so if they saw any self harm marks I would be kicked off the team. The skin here is rough and is a darker shade then the rest of my body because of all the scars here. The skin is tough and harder to cut through but I do anyways, I just have to push here a little harder. After awhile I run out of room on one hip an move to the other. I can feel the blood running down the side of my hip. There are drips of blood on the white bathroom tiles but it only takes a little bit of bleach to clean it up so I don' care. Soon I run out of room again but I'm not satisfied. For a moment I debate weather or not to cut my arms but I deside against it. I could get a lot here but theres enough scars becuse after awhile  I stopped giving a fuck and desised to do t there anyways. Nobody ever noticed so  kept doing it. But if I did it there it would be  pain in the ass to hide and didn't feel like putting that much effot into it So I desuswd to do it on my chest and across my ribs, it would hurt badly later but fuck it. After I was done there I put the azor against my wrist

"Just one slit downwards would stop everything, You wouldn't have to deal with all this ever again."I yelled in frustration and threw the razor against the wall. I wanted to do it so so adlt but I was scared. It's difficult wanting to kill yourseld but being scared gto do it. I ad already attemoted three times but It never worked and it fukong sucked. I got up and cleandthe blood offmyself and picked up he razor and taped it to the top of the cabinet once more. I went out and got bleach and a rag and cleaned the blood off the tiles, I cecked the time, it was four aclocl. They would be home soon. Iwas existed so I just wet and layd on the bed, it stung bt oh well. I Son fee asleep itso a fitfu dream. I wokme up to the sound of there voice telling methey werehome.It was a long day and I didn't feel ,ike getting up so I didn't. I pretended to be asleep nd theuy left me alone so I fell ack asleep. I woke up again later They weren't in the room but I didn't get out of bed to lool fo them I just stayed there. I wasn't goin to tell them hat happened because I din't want t worry them. For me it's just something that happens and it's not a ting to stress about. 'm ust hoping that the don't insist wre shower together for awhile. They final came back into the room and told me that they loved me and gave me a kiss nd we just layed in bed for the rest of the night

Hey guys this is my longest chapter so far yay lol. I'm sorry it was so dark I'm just having one of those day where That's what I wanted to write about so I'm sorry if you didn't like it. ill next time I write(sorry about all the spelling shit)