My Beautiful Person💖

Pain from the other side

Hello!

I'm a guest writer, and the lover that your author has been talking about.

You can call me.....P.

This is a relatively sad chapter.

I hope that I don't make anyone feel bad. You can say this is kinda a part 2 from the last chapter.

This is also the first chapter in my prospective.

I don't think I'll show up often.

P.

I meant to post this forever ago and I'm so sorry I didn't I kind of just spaced it but i mean nobody's really reading t so its whatever i guess

It's stupid.

I know it is and it makes me sad.

I feel like I'm never taken seriously.

That I'm a joke.

Ha.

I'm trying my best to breathe normally as my thoughts overwhelm me. I can feel hot tears fall down my cheeks.

I was always a silent crier.

Something that I that about myself is that when I'm crying, my mouth turns upwards, like I'm smiling, like I'm happy.

I'm not.

I'm sad.

I don't look like my gender and I hate it.

I look, completely like a girl.

But I don't want to be a girl and no one tries to use my proper pronouns.

They always say, "I'm sorry, I forgot! I'll try to remember next time." They never do.

Only my dad and his girlfriend try.

But I feel as if it's only out of pity.

My throat feels like something's blocking it.

My fingernails dig into my skin. I was never a self harmer, for I never took up a razor, but I suppose what I do is a form of it.

I often dig my nails into my skin. It hurts a lot. Because my nails are blunt, but I keep digging, and digging, till I can't take it. My marks are small almost unnoticeable. Good.

I let people do things to me that shouldn't be allowed.

People hurt me with words.

All I do is smile and say it's ok.

It's not ok.

It hurts.

But I'm used to being used, being a scapegoat, I'm used to being beaten down.

I shouldn't be used to that.

But here I am.

I'm screaming in my head for someone to save me from this feeling. I'm afraid to be alone. But another voice yells back, "you're pathetic! Do you really think anyone cares?! You can disappear and no one would notice! Your friends don't even notice when your upset! And why? Because you lie to them!"

I choke back a sob, I have to be quiet, shes home sleeping right now.

Like I've said before I'm a quiet crier. I've cried in a car before with someone next to me.

They didn't notice.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm quiet, but other times I think it's a curse. Because I want to scream, I want to sob.

But I can't.

Sometimes I think of dying.

I often feel relieved when thinking about how I wouldn't have to see everything get worse. The planet going to shit.

Everything just crashing and burning.

But I'm scared of death.

I can't breath.

This needs to stop.

But I'm not strong enough.

I give everything to other people that I'm left with nothing.

And it makes me bitter.

I'm a waste of space.

There's no point in my existence.

Why was I even born?

But at least I'm feeling nowadays.

Better than those years.

Where I was a husk.

Where I was empty.

I eventually calm down.

I look in the mirror, and I see a girl with red ringed eyes.

This isn't even half of what I was thinking. I sit, letting the red disappear.

I don't want to talk. I know I will be silent and unresponsive. Ignoring everything and everyone.

I have periods where I stop talking.

I often force myself to talk when I'm like this.

And anyone who asks if I'm ok will get the same answer.

I'm just tired....