Ripped Away

Chapter 19

I woke up. 

It was dark, but there was a big window that let light in.  My eyes focused, and I was in a hospital bed.  The clock on the wall said that it was around three in the morning.  I guess I'd only been out for a couple of hours.  It didn't work.  I was alive.  And I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated.

I tried to sit up, but there was an IV tube in my arm and a feeding tube in my stomach.  Okay, maybe I'd been out a little longer than a few hours.  I had a massive headache and my forehead felt bruised.  I couldn't think of why.  A nurse walked by the room and saw that I was awake.  She came in and took the IV out of my arm but had to leave the feeding tube.  I guessed it had to be stitched up.

"I'll call your family.  I'm sure they'll want to know you woke up."

"Why did I wake up?" I asked.

"Well you've been out for a week.  It's about time."

"A week?" I snapped, "I stayed in a coma for a week,  but I didn't die?"

"I'd be happy about that if I were you." she said, confused.

"Why would I take that many pills if I didn't want to die?"

She stood silently for a minute, thinking. 

"Hun, you didn't take any pills." she smiled, "But, it was only a minor coma.  You just stayed unconscious because your body was a little confused.  Dreams are possible.  You were in a car accident."

I just sat there,  unable to believe what she was saying.  A dream?  No.  This was a dream.  It had to be.  I was still dying in the cemetery.

"Well it wasn't much of an accident.  More of a fender bender.  But someone wasn't wearing their seat belt.  You hit your head just hard enough and in just the right place to screw yourself up."

"No.  It was bad.  It was so bad.  We went through the windshield." I said, feeling tears starting to fill my eyes. "My boyfriend died."

"Oh, sweetheart.   He's fine.  I was just fighting with him a few hours ago.  We've basically had to force him to leave every night since you've been here."

I wasn't sure if I believed her.  But this dream was way better than my reality. 

"I'll go call your mom." she smiled again. "And I'll tell her to bring him along."

"Wait.  Describe him." I said, thinking that maybe she meant Darren.

"Uh, tall, blonde, very reliant on you."

She left the room to call my mom, leaving me to sit alone and be confused.   Could it all have really been some psychotic dream?  I just hit my head too hard?  Could Richie really be alive?

Twenty minutes later, I heard footsteps running down the quiet hallway.  I felt my heart fall into my stomach when he appeared in the doorway.  He was wearing shorts and a cardigan that was buttoned shut in one place; like he'd just grabbed clothes off the floor and ran.  So happy, and so alive.

I was sitting up straight with my legs crossed indian style.  Richie rushed over and sat down on the edge of the bed.  He tried to put his arms around me, but I leaned away.  I just sat there and stared at him.  He looked confused, but didn't say or do anything.  I reached out and lightly let my fingers touch his cheek.  He felt real. 

I felt myself starting to shake.  After all of that pain I'd felt, imaginary or not, he was alive. 

"Baby, I'm so sorry." he sighed, pushing a few strands of hair away from my face. "I thought I killed you.  I should have made you put your seat belt on."

The quiet tone his voice always held made me feel sick.  But it was the best kind of sickness I'd ever felt.  I started crying, and grabbed him tightly.  He hugged me back, being careful of the tube that was sticking out of me. 

"Noah, what's wrong?" he asked.

But I just kept trying to get him closer to me.  He didn't fight me when I forced him to get next to me on the hospital bed.  I just wanted to cling to him as tightly as I possibly could.

Mom and Bryce walked in, and I said quick hellos to them both.  But I couldn't take my attention off of Richie.  Unlike him, I hadn't felt the pain of losing them. 

"Is he alright?" Richie asked the nurse when she came in to check on me.

"Well, I think he's in a bit of shock.  He had a very bad dream while he was out."

"About what?" Richie asked her, turning to look at me.

"He said something about the accident being very bad.  Apparently you died.  He thought he'd failed a suicide attempt when he woke up."

I watched Richie's expression fall, but just kept my head pinned against his chest.  I felt his fingers dig deeper into my side as he nodded a response to her.  The nurse left, and the room fell silent.  After a few minutes, Bryce spoke up.

"Mom, let's give them a second." he said, standing up and pulling Mom out of her chair.

She hesitated, but stood up and followed him out of the room. 

"Do you hate me?" I asked after Richie didn't say anything.

"No." he said quietly. "I'm just... scared.  Noah, please explain what happened."

"She just told you." I sighed. "I dreamt that the crash was way worse than it really was."

"And I died, so you tried to kill yourself?" he huffed.

Silence.

"Noah, talk to me.  Please."

"I don't know what you want me to say!" I snapped at him. "Yes, that's what happened.  I lasted two months, and then I couldn't handle it.  So I drowned myself in sleeping pills, and then I woke up."

"Baby, that can't happen." He said, the pain in his voice prominent. "If I were to die-"

"Please, don't say that.  I just felt it for two months, Richie."

"Listen to me.   If it happened, would you really do that?"

"I thought I did."

"No!" He snapped. "You can't do that, Noah.  You can't go that far.  I want you to love me, but not more than yourself."

I tightened my grip on him, just in case he tried to move. 

"Can you say that you wouldn't at least think about it if I were the one to die?"  I asked him.

He was quiet.

"Richie, that was the worst pain I have ever felt and it wasn't even real."

"So you're saying you'd want me to kill myself if you died?"

"Of course not!  I just would understand if you did."

He forced his body out of my grip and turned so he could face me.  He laced our legs together so he could be close enough.  His lips touched mine just enough for it to count as a kiss.

"I love you so much." Was all he could make himself say.

And it was all I needed to hear right now.  I'd felt the pain of being without those words for so long.  They didn't feel toxic anymore.