a friend told me once
love should make my heart race
but not this way
not with anxiety
and i think about that a lot now
love lately has felt a lot like fear
when doing my best
means breathing and being alive
means disappointing my parents
when i stay awake up late at night
waiting for the next person to leave
when i am only able to love myself when it is the body
that i wake up to the morning after skipping dinner
why are you still here
the longer you stay
the more it will hurt i will hurt
when you leave and are gone
life feels meaningless
what is my purpose
my heart feels empty
why do i love so much
what if everything
i managed today
was in vain
what if it always is
i am disappointed
and exhausted
and tomorrow
more of the same
i want to stop settling
i want to start healing
i want to cease living
this life this way
