We're not..we're just BESTFRIENDS

Move on..but how?

It's has been a couple of months since my mother passed away due to Endometrium Cancer , the doctors couldn't help her anymore she died 3 days after the 17 hours surgery. 3 days  before they told me she could make it. 3 days of hope. Then it all vanished when my grandmother called one morning waking me up. 

" J- J - is your sister there?"

" Why what happened Grandma?'

" Sh- she's gone J . Your mom is gone. She's no more."

The words left her mouth and I couldn't hear anything after that.  Two seconds later I handed the phone to my sister. And we all just stood there sobbing. She was gone. Just like that. 3 months after knowing she had cancer and then on the 4 month she died . July 14, 2016 it was the day I could never forget. 

Her last words before she went into surgery was " Happy Birthday my baby girl. I wish you all the happiness in the world. And I hope you find peace . I'm sorry I couldn't be there.." 

  And since then I've just found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole. Barely functioning on the weekdays, and drunk with random guys on weekends.  It was never easy, I never lost anyone prior to my mother. I've never felt that I would. She was strong, ambitious , and always keeps her head high, and she would always face things head on. She was a fighter. Knowing that she was sick, I couldn't accept it. She was my mom, she was the strongest of all of us. She was everything to everyone. But here she was struggling, and in pain and I .. I couldn't do anything for her, I was nothing. I was just silly brat who could barely hold her own fort. There and then I regret not every trying hard enough, not doing good enough. I could have saved her. I could have. But she was already sick years ago. She just brushed it off. 

Everything went dark since then, I'd always go out during the weekends and come home drunk at 3 am sometimes I'd stay out. Just so i could feel something. And it was like that for a very long time. Up until one day, my friend Alfred called and asked me to come hang out with him in the city.  He was my only friend , who stick around for the most part , he was my desperado compadre' . We would only hang out whenever one of us felt down and we would drink, drink till our sorrow wouldn't exist not until tomorrow. 

And this day was no different. 

" Hey J! Come hang with me. It's been so long I haven't seen you in ages!!" 

I was on Skype with Alfred , seeing his beaming face like nothing in the world really mattered. 

" I don't know Al, I'm just not feeling it today... maybe some other time.."

 " Come on don't be a puss, we both know you need this..I NEED THIS" he laughed

I rolled my eyes . Same old Alfred.  " I don't know what time is it?" 

" It's quarter to five. I think you'll make it in time " 

I sat there on my desk contemplating whether or not I should go, it's already quarter to 5 I don't think I'll make it..fuck it I'm going. Might aswell grab a couple of beers and vodka the night is young! 

" Alright give me 15 minutes and I'll get ready. I'll text you."

" ALRIGHTT!!! It's time to PARTY!!!!"  "Oh btw bring some money with you, I'll reimburse  you I promise" He said with pleading eyes. 

" Fine" I sighed. 

And so I found myself on the way to the city like every other weekend. But i didn't know that this day would change my life forever. I didn't know what I was getting into.