love is just suicide~phan

phils pov. major tw

"Im up, im up" i whisper as the knocks on my door start to get louder i have a feeling i know who it is.

It was exactly who i thought it was my big brother. he was standing there with a smirk plastered on his face. I shook my head no but he wasnt having that he grabed my hips and pushed me in my room. Tonight was going to be long it was probably about 3 in the morning but its okay. He slamed his mouth on mine forcing me to kiss him i didnt kiss back i never did his spit tasted disgusting as he shoved his to tongue in my mouth it was so gross. I gave up trying amd let his do what he was going to do I felt numb as he took off the clothes i had just put on a few hours ago. He taken off his clothes and as you can tell he shoved himself inside me and angrily grabed my hips i bearly noticed his nails going in my skin he finished riding out his orgasm and pulled out of me i didnt make a noise the whole time i learned quickly to be quiet even if i hated it my body loved the attention. I was in fact hard the whole time but i couldn't be bothered to do anything about it i was dribbling with precum but i didnt want to touch it and im sure my brother didnt either. He put back on his pants unlocked the door and left me. i was shaking there was blood running dpwn my thighs from where he deeply left nail imprints. they were deep he must have been really angry. i dont know what i did but it must have been bad

I finally got up after a while of shaking i felt disusting amd sweaty i needed my comforter washed so before i got my clothes to take a shower i through my comforter in the wash. I grabed my clothes and took a shower. i washed every thing twice. i know it sounds stupid but i do it every time i take a shower. It was around 5 in the morning right about now. After i got out i blow dried my hair and got on my dark blue star wars shirt and black jeans to top it off my bright orange hoodie. This isnt my normal hoodie but i could live i decided to check my phone and go for a walk

Hey good morning i know its 4 in the morning but i cant really sleep.

Hey dan sorry i was taking a shower but you wanna meet up somewhere i need to get outta the house.

I sliped my phone in my back pocket and grabed my wallet, my keys, and  my earbuds. I was about to walk out the door when i heard someone in the kitchen. "Hey matt would you tell my mum that ill be back later tonight im going to hang out with a friend." My mums boyfriend replied "yeah bud sure." I walked out of thr house lockimg the door behind me walking on to the street about to grab some starbucks i get some cash from watching kids on weekends i dont mind really. I pull out my phone after i ordered my coffee.

Alright where do you wanna meet and when?

Im at starbucks right now if you wanna meet me here the one over by pjs house im guessing you know where he lives as hes popular af

Oh yeah of course ill meet you there in aboit 2 minutes.

Okay

My name get called and i grab my coffee black (like my soul). I sit down and scroll through Tumblr whilst waiting for dan to apear. i know he only just started talking to me but i was really excited id liked him since 3rd grade. But you know i just really want love but trusting people is my biggest issue and i always trust the wrong people then i get yelled at and hurt by people i thought loved me but then they leave they always do. Oh shit hes going to leave too. Oh fuck why did i invite him to hang out with me. It was to late he was alreafy there standing in front of me he looked spftly at me he said my name "phil?" he asks "oh shit- i mean- fuck- i mean hey." He smiles a little and sits down "hey phil. How are you?" "Erm, i-im fine. you?" he look sceptical but answers, "im great i got a good Christmas this year." I smiled "whatd ya get." He shakes his head "no its not what i got its the time i got with my family." I smile i wanted to call bullshit because you only ever read about stuff like that i hate Christmas it was always the worse my family hates mebut its okay i got through it anyway back to dan. I mustve been thinging to long cause he tapped my shoulder and i flinched really hard he looked shocked "oh im so sorry did i scare you." I started breathing weird paterents and my chest was on fire everything felt fake and i wasnt okay i looled around everything getting slower. I tried to do grounding techniques but i couldnt focus. Dan was kneeling next to me. I could fehesr him talking i tried to focus on that but everything still felt fake. I was listening to him amd sorting out my breathing i could feel myself calm down do to his soft soothing voice. I blinked back tears but i steadied my breathing and i was okay sort of everything still felt fake even if i knew it was real. I have these issues all the time though. "Dan im so sorry you shouldnt have to see that you can go if you want i know im a freak." I look down at my feet he lifts my head up with his fingeri almost flinch but relize its him "i could never leave youre not a freak youre just a little anxious and thats okay." I smiled up at him "hey you wanna go to my place after you finish your coffee? Does that sound okay, huh phil?

"Yeah id love to."