Sunrays:::CH

uno

"i cannot understand. why do i let such little things in my life hurt me and control me.
sure she made a comment out of the our evilness of her heart but was it worth it? was it worth getting in fight? was it worth ruining everything that i've worked for. no. and that's why i didn't do it. i didn't fight the girl who called me a fata.ss in the middle of class in front of everyone. I left it alone and acted as if i didn't hear her. as i often do with similar situations. soon i won't have to see them hopefully ever again. 
now i'm sat here in your car explaining to you what had occurred today in class.
the reason for my grouchy mood
i wish i could be more cavalier with these things i tell him. i should be used to it by now right? all my life i've been the same and without a change. all my life i have endured the pain of the words of others and all my life i have resisted the urge to fight back.
and all my life i have never made a change in my appearance.
yes i'm overweight.
that is a fact.
220 pounds is over weight for me and basically obese.
but all my life I learned to accept that there will never be a change. and i let myself believe that it meant i loved my self the way i was. but i didn't. i don't."
i look to him before continuing. "go on." he says gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. his face looks pained, upset.  Not angry with me  maybe angry at the girl whose name i did not reveal. upset that i felt this way. i was on the verge of tears but i didn't want to let them fall. i didn't want to accept that it gets to me. these things get to me.
"i want to make a change calum, but i don't know if i can. i don't know how i will. i've tried again and again but i've never found the right reason to. my health is not bad. but maybe it will add a few years to my life if i become healthier. how can i do this for myself if i don't even know that it's what i want. i dont know i don't know. i don't know i just don't. i don't even know what i'm trying to say right now my brain cannot." i'm out of breath a few tears run down my face. i sigh "i'm tired my brain is tired" Calum pulls into the driveway of his house. he gets out of the car and comes to open my door. i begin to get out only to be picked up by him. he rushes into the house and we go to his room. he lays me down and then lies next to me. he plays with my hair and massages my scalp giving a kiss on the forehead every once in a while. i silently cry sniffling every so often and wiping my tears away with my sleeves. i'm finally calmed down but i'm exhausted. i look up to calum and see him staring at my with that pained look in his eyes. i lean up and kiss him. "I love you, never forget that." i smile gently at him. well i hope he knew it was a smile because it was the best i could do at this moment. "I love you too. Thank you." i say quietly to him. it suddenly feels like my eyelids are being pulled down and i fall asleep in record time.