Beneath The Surface

The Beginning of the End

 *Day Before School Starts*

I sigh as I lay on the couch cuddling Brian, "We're barely going to be able to see each other, you're starting your freshman year in college and I'm still a sophomore in high school." I mutter looking at him with sad eyes, and he smiles as he gently runs his fingers through my hair, and looks into my eyes.

"We are going to be just fine, I love you....and you love me, right?" he asks softly and I giggle slightly and nod, and he smiles wide, "Then we will be just fine....nothing can break true love." he whispers sweetly, and I roll my eyes and smack is chest playfully

"You are so cheesy!" I exclaim sitting up and he just chuckles and smiles at me as I stand up, and he stays layed down, "Do you want anything to eat?" I ask as I walk to the kitchen.

"Yeah! Make me some toquitos!" He calls to me and I roll my eyes, and just set the oven to preheat and I get out the frozen toquitos from the fridge and peek my head back into the living room, "How many do you want babe?" I ask

Brian thinks about it for a moment."10?" He asks and I look at him like he's crazy and I giggle slightly and shake my head.

"How about 6..." I say as I walk back to the kitchen and get out a cookie sheet and lay 6 toquitos on it, and the oven beeps signaling it's preheated and I stick the pan in there and set the timer for 12 minutes and walk back into the living room, pouncing on Brian once I reach the couch and I giggle as he groans, "Am I really that fat?" I ask playfully

He rolls his eyes and smirks slightly, "Yes, yes you are." he says sarcastically, and I gasp and put my hand my heart, pretending to be hurt.

"I can't believe you would say such a thing to me!" I exclaim, making my bottom lip quiver, knowing that gets him everytime, and he sighs and wraps his arms around my waist, pecking my lips as he does so.

"Gwyneth Montgomery, you know for a fact you are NOT fat!"  he exclaims smiling wide, and kissing all over my face, and I groan at his sickley cute gesture.

"Gah you are way too sweet." I say playfully, and he just chuckles and shakes his head, showing off his one adorable dimple.

"Yeah, yeah whatever." He says playfully, and he looks into my eyes, "So how are things with Avery and Kendall?" he asks softly, knowing I've been feeling a bit insecure with my friendship with the two, and I sigh shakily.

"I honestly don't know anymore...I don't know what to think....they have stopped talking about me, but Avery admitted to actually hating me and thinking I was annoying in the 8th grade....which makes me think she is just acting like my friend right now....just like she was back then." I mutter sadly. Avery and Kendall were the only two people I trusted outside of my family, well besides Brian, to keep all my dirty little secrets...and trust me I had alot of them.

Brian looks at me with soft sad eyes, "You're over thinking it." he whispers, and I sigh angrily, hating it when he says 'I'm just overthinking it' 

What if I'm not just overthinking it.....what if it's true? What if the feelings I have are legit? I think to myself, but I don't say anything out loud, I simply nod, not really feeling like arguing with him right now.

I look down at my hands as I play with my fingers, and he sighs, "Oh, Nicole texted me yesterday." he says, referring to his extremely bitchy ex girlfriend,and not to mention wayyyy prettier than me, and I snap my head up and glare at him.

"Oh? And why didn't I know of this YESTERDAY...when she texted you?!" I snap at him, anger, jealousy and insecurities bubbling up inside me all at the same time, this was a very dangerous mixture for me. 

Brian goes wide eyed, "Babe....It just slipped my mind." he says softly, and I immediately stand, trying hard not to cry, feeling slightly betrayed and hurt, and I glare at him as I hold my hand out, signaling for him to place that god forsaken phone in my hand.

"Give. Me. The. Phone." I demand, even though I know for a fact that I'm overreacting, and he looks at me surprised, because I have never acted like this toward him.

"Babe, I deleted all the messages." he says softly and I gulp back the angry/hurt tears that threaten to spill. 

I glare at him, "Then leave." I snap suddenly, suspecting the worst from him, because that's all I've ever come to know from people these past two months. 

He looks at me with sad and scared eyes, "Babe don't do this." he begs and I just point to the door, my heart turning to stone by the second.

"Leave." I demand, my hand shaking as it continues to point to the door, and he sighs shakily, knowing I won't let him stay, and he places a gentle soft kiss onto my cheek before walking out the door, leaving me and his now burnt toquitos behind.

*Hours Later*

I sit in the chair right by my desk looking into the huge mirror that hangs right above my desk. I pick out every single flaw that I see, one by one, slowly but surely tearing myself apart. It's 11:00 pm by now, and I should be in bed because tomorrow is the first day of school.

But I can't sleep. I tried, but all I can think about is the Brian situation, and whether or not my two best friends really are my best friends. I gulp as I stand, finally making my decision to take a razor blade to my skin.....but I refuse to call it "self-harming", I'll call it something else....like "Self-therapy." That sounds way better. I'm only doing this to release the anger, and the hurt.

I sigh as I stand and walk to the bathroom and find the little razor blade stash I have hid just for this moment, the moment I am finally brave enough to start "Self-therapy." Before I can make a single cut on my shoulder, I make a silent vow to myself.

I will not let this control me. I will control it. This will help me. This will help me become more confident. More secure with myself. This is not self-harming, this is self-therapy.

I say silently in my head, and look into the mirror. I slowly slice through the skin of my shoulder and watch the first tiny trickle of blood run down my arm.

That was the beginning of the end.

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Author's Note!!!

Okay, this story is obviously going to involve self-harming. I just want to say I DO NOT condone it. It will ruin your life!! That's why I am writing this story, so people who do self harm, or have in the past, can relate to this and maybe find some help within this story....I hope you all like this book....I am already enjoying writing this, and hopefully helping people.

Just remember....no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, YOU ARE GORGEOUS.