Thoughts-Rants-Drafts

Rant: The Feeling of Impossible

WARNING: This is a super depressing rant that was written at like 12 am. It gets more light and happy like halfway through the 3rd page. (This note is also from 12 am, so sorry again. I tend to ramble and don't expect people to listen.)

Do you know that feeling, the feeling of the impossible?

Where you want to scream, but be silent. The times that you want to claw into your skin. To feel the fiery pain blister through your skin. That your body yearns for action, but your mind wants to freeze.

The moments you want to stop, but remember you can't. The aching in your chest as you try to keep composure. How your breath hitches as it scratches up your chest to your throat.

Stinging tears of pity, anger, even sadness. When you listen to others words, but they only contradict.

Times when they hold fake authority. Seconds when you want to prove them wrong. To show them your strength, your power, your emotion.

Violence breaths down your spine. Thoughts of painful rage blossom into your mind. When you know you can hurt them, damage them, prove them wrong.

The cleansing of anger with action. Clenching of the fist, the twitch of the eye. The screams lodged into your throat with only mental direction.

Times where you had to bite your tongue until it bled. Where the pain in your mouth was better than the future pain. Toxic words that could trudge from your mouth. Words that can tear themselves into the air, leaving invisible scars.

That the metallic taste of blood is better than the cold, metal eyes you'd have to face.

The horrible words that you hear, but can not repeat. Poisonous words of another person behind their back. When they believe their sly, but everybody is doing the same.

Halting times when your the middle man. Being told terrible tells from different mouths about each other. Unable to stop it. Like blasting speakers from every side without a pause button.

Seconds that you wanted so badly to blurt it all out. But, stopped yourself. The seconds you decided to not send that text, that call. When you reached out your hand, but dragged it back in fear.

Fear of rejection, of anger, of the fire getting higher. Afraid if you add more people it'll all get worse. That you don't find a solution, but you find a lighter. That all your attempts will go up in flames.

When you feel so empty, so hollow. That you want to have somebody. Somebody, sometimes anybody. That their just their, somebody to hold. To feel the fabric of their clothes against your skin. The reassurance that your still there. Your still just a human, just a kid.

A kid who doesn't know. A kid who hasn't got the experience or knowledge. That your just trying, trying so fucking hard.

The times that you tried, but it doesn't work. The frustration the gathers, the anger and pain. It forms in fists and yelling. The tearing of paper and the shattering of glass. Even the stinging of tears and muttering.

Sometimes, it simmers down. Sometimes, it's doused with helplessness and despair. That you can't speak out without being questioned. That there has to be a place where it started. That there has to be a why, a when, a how.

That they can't accept one thing. There has to be a trail, something to follow. But there isn't, it's just there.

The feeling of being caged, but being able to move freely. That your chest is being crushed, but your breathing. That you need to release, but there's consequences if you do.

I remember, I know. The feeling of pride inside, yet it's swept away easily by others. When you need somebody to say 'Your doing great, keep going!'.

But all you get is silence. Silence that could hide disappointment, hatred, anger, pity.

When you actually tell others. The time you finally got the courage and spoke up. But their not listening. They nod, they agree, they disagree, but don't remember. How much it hurts and you want to scream.

Scream at them that they should listen. They should hear you and say something. The horrible pain that they don't care. That they won't ever put effort into you.

I know. It happens constantly. Even the little things hurt. The simple request to listen, to read, to be a part. But it's ignored.

It feel so damn painful and suffocating. That all of your emotions and thoughts are trying to drown you. That all you can do is sink. That your falling deeper and deeper as you watch the light fade.

But, you still struggle. You still stood up. You still spoke up. You did something. And that's an accomplishment.

Talking to someone, eating breakfast, even waking up is an achievement. It proves you're still trying. Your still breathing. And your a great person because of that. I'm proud of you.

Just know, that someday, you'll get that somebody. I'm not really saying a significant other, but just somebody. That person you tell your weirdest thoughts, no holding back.

The person you talk to for hours about things that don't matter. Times when you just lay on your bed giggling together about stupid things.

When you can look at each other and burst out laughing with just a funny look. Someone you tell your embarrassing stories to. The person that makes your life that much better. That they'll always try to help you.

This person is special in their own way. Special to you in their own weird way.

And sometimes, your that person. They might not tell you, but that doesn't change it. They might not be your person, but just a friend. Even a stranger!

Your a person who makes their chest lighter. It's that feeling of reassurance, of just being correct.

The bus driver that always waves to you. That one kid who smiles at you whenever they see you. You don't need to know their names.

There is also the people that you'll love and those who you did love. You may no longer, but it was there.

The person you'll wave to. The one who'll smile as you text them. This is somebody you love, somebody you cherish. The person who is willing to argue with you because you're that important. That their willing to put time and effort into you.

This person is the one you want close to you. That the presence of them is enough to make you grin. The person, who even in silence, is the best. Who wraps their arms around you and makes you smile.

It doesn't have to be romantic. It could be platonic, even a tad bit spiteful. But, their still there for you. Their ready to catch you and cheer you up.