EVE

Cursed

It was 2:17 Am, once again I couldn't sleep. I could feel my eyes wanting to shut, but every time I did it, my mind wouldn't stop wondering about how different things could've  been with her. Always the same thoughts, "What if I said the wrong thing?" or "What if I had done this differently?". I could still hear her voice in my head with the last words she told me, it was like a repeating machine that wouldn't stop playing over and over inside my head.  It has been 3 years since we broke up, but it feels to me like it has been over 20 years, sure time goes really slow when you are not happy. It is now 6:00 Am, time to get up and go to work. Here we go again trying to get through another day, with only a few minutes of sleep and be nice to everyone so they will not notice how I really feel. Deep inside I really don't understand why I feel this way. This is not my first break up and I am sure it will also not be my last, so then why do I feel this way?.

I think a lot of different scenarios when I can't sleep, maybe that will help me understand myself better. It just seems that everything seems to remind me of her.  If I look at a girl that is wearing a pretty dress, I can only imagine how beautiful she would look with it,  A nice perfume always reminds me of her smile, the places I visit just bring back memories. Which really just makes it 20 times harder to get her out of my thoughts. I have thought of drastic solutions, such as moving to a different city, or maybe even a different country with another culture, but why should I be the one to make the changes? My whole life is here, My family, friends and even my pets love it here.  I have also tried dating other girls, it is nice at first and all but eventually I end up leaving them, since I still can't get completely over her, it really wouldn't be fair for them.

We haven't talk pretty much since we broke up, but for the past few months I've had the feeling that we need to talk, maybe she misses me as much as I do? The only way to find out is if I ask her. I still remember where she works, that healthy smoothie place called "The smoothie jungle"

Saturday morning, I sit across "The smoothie jungle" waiting for her to go in and start her shift, a few hours passed by, but there was no sign of her. My stomach started feeling nauseous with the thought of not being able to ever see her again. I didn't know where she lived now, or where she liked to hang out. I decided to wait a bit longer and exactly at 1:58Pm, she was driving her old mini cooper. The paint looked older  and it had a few more scratches but I could still recognize it. There she was with her same uniform, but I hate to admit that she looked as beautiful as ever. I could feel my heart beat racing as I saw her going inside. I thought I should wait until she got out of work, to make sure she would not get in trouble for talking to me during working hours. 8:00 P.M came by and there she was walking out, but my whole body paralyzed, my legs froze, I couldn't' walk towards her or call her. I felt so frustrated for not being able to do anything, I was so angry at myself. She left and I decided to try again next Saturday.

That night, after I left The Smoothie Jungle and went home, I was feeling 10 times worse than before. I never thought seeing her again would have such a negative effect on me. I had only eaten once that day and I still wasn't hungry. I just wanted to lay in bed and never get up again. The loneliness that came with that night, overwhelmed me with sadness, as the night got colder, the feeling got stronger.I had a hard time breathing, my chest was burning and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so ashamed of myself, why am I crying and feeling like this after seeing her again?Pictures of her smile, eyes and face kept coming back to my head. What if she felt the same way about me? What if she missed me as much as I did? All of our love had turn into a curse, and that curse had a name: "Eve"