When Strength Cries

Hold Ya' Head Up

    I've been a church girl since I was a toddler. Even though I love the Lord, I still have my teenage fun. My mom, siblings and I all attend Faith Temple in Indianapolis, Indiana. My best friend, Stephan, and his family also attend. He's one of the only guys i trust. I spot him over in the chapel, while I decide to sit in the main sanctuary by G'Mama Boone. G'Mama is like a 2nd grandma to me.

      Once I settle in my seat, I sneak my hand in my purse and shoot Stephan a text.

    "Looking good young'n! Mama Stephanie pick out ya outfit? ;) "  I love joking around with him like that. He's actually older than me but I'm so protective of him that he refers to me as 'big sis'. He sends me a sinister grin before responding.

       "I see u got jokes,  thanks for the compliment spud! So sorry i can't say the same! ;P "  I know he's joking, but down I believe him. This morning I carelessly threw on a black floor length skirt and a fitted pink button down before tossing my hair up in a messy bun exposing my bangs. He must have seen my expression change because I got another text.    "You know I'm kidding right?  You're beautiful Sani"  I decide not to respond, slip my phone back in my purse and look up just in time for G'Mama to notice me.

        "Chile, put that thang away an get your blessin' !"

        "G'Mama, pastor hasn't even started his sermon yet." I respectfully informed.

         "Don't mean you ain't gotta message coming to ya'.  Listen!"  She smiled. I grinned back then sat there deep in thought as the Choir sang Love Lifted Me in perfect harmony. After the sermon mama had to handle some business for the Nurses Ministry in the first aid room. Knowing she'd be a while I met Stephan and his kid sister Zion by the water fountain. I lifted the struggling six year old body just high enough to reach the water while Stephan leaned against the wall texting.

      "Some big brother you are"  I nudged at Stephan indicating that he should be holding her up.

      "She's a big girl, she can reach it herself" he said nonchalantly.     "Thank you Sani!" Zion said as she wiped her snagged toothed little grin before running off with the other children.

       Stephan put his finger under my chin so we were looking eye-to-eye.   

  "You okay?"  his eyes filled with concern.

  "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"  I pretend, with a grin. It's no use with Stephan though, he knows all my masks.

  "You ain't gotta stunt with me sis. You gotta stop downing ya' self though. Why can't you see the good in ya' self?"

    "It's not that I don't try"  I walk and talk. We turn a corner and enter the Library for a little more privacy. "Sometimes I look in the mirror and see the prettiest smile in the world! But then other times I can't stand my reflection." I confessed.

   "Dasani I'll be in the car waiting baby. How you doing Dink?" My mom stuck her head in and interrupted.

   "Just fine Ma, and yourself?" Stephan responded. Dinkey is what he used to call his pacifier as a small kid. It just simplified and stuck with him as he grew. My mom glanced back over to let me know to wrap up our conversation so she won't be waiting long.

    "You know what I need you to do Spud? Every night before you go to bed... and every morning when you wake up... look in that mirror and compliment yourself. a different compliment every rip! You got me lil' girl?"

  "I got u."

  "promise?"

  "I said I got you Stephan!" I chuckled pulling him in for a hug.  "hit me up later."

  "Yep" he agreed as I disappeared around the corner. 'Yep' is Dink's departure word since he hates to say goodbye and thinks 'see ya later' is cliche.

            On my way down the stairs I notice Shaun. A cutie that just moved here from Chicago. I see him just about everywhere but he never seems to notice me. Not that i expect he would. I take my focus off  what I know I can't have and head home. After working out for about an hour and a half, I take a much needed shower. Once I step out and wrap one towel around me, and a smaller one on my freshly washed kinky hair, I glance over at the vanity mirror. Dink's words float through my head.           

       Standing there staring for a while, I mentally sort through my physical features looking for something nice to say. Tears start to form as i realize i had been standing there for almost an hour. It's a shame i cant fine one compliment for myself. I get changed into some basketball shorts and a tight fitting spaghetti strap t-shirt, then head to bed. I swear my brother from another mother must have sensed my vibe, because just as i was about to drift off my phone vibrated on my night stand. A text from Stephan read:  "You're eyes are beautiful... just in case you're having a hard time. Goodnight lil' big sis"  I smile before falling unconscious.