jasia - i'm in love with her

thursday

zosia:
i walked into the hospital, in a world of my own, barely paying attention to everything happening around me. i didnt even realise where i was walking, or where in the hospital i even was. it was like something had taken over my brain and my legs altogether. the first time i actually realised where i was, was when jac shook me gently by the shoulders, and i realised id walked straight into the middle of a board meeting. i felt so stupid, everyone was staring at me, and i hated it. my face flushed bright red as jac led me out the room by my hand. "c'mon you," she said quietly as we left the room and everyone looked back at the booklet theyd been reading through before i'd rudely interrupted them. jac had noticed something was wrong as soon as i'd walked into the room, and i knew she wouldnt pass judgement, she never did. but it wasnt her i was worried about. my father, Guy Self, was the new CEO at holby, after hanssen had taken a sabatical to go and be with his family in sweden. he'd started the previous week, and i'd been avoiding him the whole time, hiding my illness and my relationship with jac from him. and now i'd gone and humiliated myself in front of him. but jac told me not to worry about him when i voiced my worries to her in the corridor outside the board room. she cupped my chin in her beautiful, soft hand and said softly "this too shall pass, zosh, this too shall pass." over the past year or so, this had become my mantra, and whenever i heard jac say it, it soothed me, made my heart beat in a soft, soothing rhythm, rather than the harsh, loud pounding like the beat of a drum. jac pulled me into a hug, a soft, loving hug, that she only givez out to certain people, and told me she loved me as she stroked my tangled, chestnut mane. "do you want to head upstairs, and i'll see you up there?" jac said as she pulled out of the hug, slowly. i nodded and picked up my bag, before heading off down the corridor to ths stairs, this time, keeping my mind focussed and paying attention to where i was going.

jac:
i watched zosia wander off down the corridor, before re-entering the board room and sitting down. i apologised on zosias behalf and the meeting continued as before. there was only half an hour left of the meeting when i'd sat back down, but for some reason it felt like it went on for hours, and hours, and hours. maybe it wad because i was worried about zosia, or maybe it's just because it was a ver ly boring meeting, but either way i just wanted it to be over with so i could get back up to my beloved ward and my beloved zosia. when the meeting was finally over, i was about to grab my bag and leave, but Mr Guy Self specifically asked me to stay behind so he could 'have a word'. i turned around and shot him my biggest sarcastic smile, telling him i had a ward to run and walking out. when i got onto darwin, i put my bags down in my office, threw my steth around my neck, and headed out onto the ward. i wandered around the ward for a while, checking in with the occasional patient, but seeing no sign of zosia. i spotted ollie and called him over to the nurses station, where i was sat looking around like a nervous meerkat. "have you seen zosia anywhere?" i asked eagerly as he walked up to me. "last time i saw her she was heading into the locker room, so either i didnt see her come out or shes still in there." i thanked him hastily and went down the corridor. i knocked gently on the door and went in, just a warning if there was somebody other than zosia in there that i was going in. as i went in i saw zosia slumped in the corner fast asleep. it wasnt until then that it occurred to me that when i'd woken up at 6am that morning, zosia was downstairs, crashing around with pots and pans, and i had no idea how long she'd been up, or if she'd even gone to bed the night before. i went over and sat down next her, smiling to myself and at her beautiful sleeping face. i stroked her hair gently and her eyes fluttered open as she looked up at me tiredly. "i think you should go home zosh," i said to her quietly after a few minutes, "did you actually get to bed last night? i don't remember you coming up." she shook her head and leant against me while i stroked her beautiful, if a bit matted, hair. "i was.. distracted," she started, "i just couldnt stop thinking, there was so much happening in my head.. so i did some cooking. theres several lasangnes, some homemade chicken goujons and several pots of soup in the fridge and freezer."
"oh zosh," i replied, sorrowfully. "you shouldve just come and talked to me, instead of hiding away in the kitchen all night."
"i know, i just, wasnt thinking straight."
"and what about this morning? was that just because you're so tired, or was that something different entirely?"
"i dont know to be honest"
"tell me truthfully, did you remember to take your meds this morning?"
zosia shrugged and looked away from me, out the window. "it's okay if you forgot, it happens sometimes."
"i'm sorry," she replied, quietly. i kissed her forehead gently and replied "well dont be."