idol • jaeyong [✔]

hurts

taeyong can't remember a day when he wasn't in love with jaehyun. he's been head over heels for the younger for as long as he could recall. even during their trainee days. upon finding out about jaehyun feeling the same way, taeyong was on cloud nine and he felt as if nothing could ever bring him down.

but they were idols. public figures who were expected to basically throw away their personal lives just live up to every fan's expectations. all because he wanted to chase after his dream, to make music for the rest of his life. it wasn't fair. why did he have to sacrifice so much just to live his dream? but he knew what he was getting himself into. he just didn't expect it to hurt this much.

taeyong loved music with his entire heart and soul. but he loved jaehyun just as much. hell, maybe even more. he didn't know if having jaehyun in his life was a good thing or not. after all, being an idol would be so much easier if he wasn't oh so in love with his own member.

but then again, if jaehyun wasn't there, he wasn't quite sure if he would've survived his trainee days in the first place. much less be where he is now. the seemingly simple peptalks, the endless support and the late night conversations; he really had to thank jaehyun for a lot of things.

trainee days were rough. and idol life was just as bad, maybe even worse at some point. but jaehyun was there to make it all better. through all the ups and downs of their career, no one else had been there for him like jaehyun was. and of course, he made sure it was the same the other way around.

a relationship while being an idol is a hard thing to accept in the first place. much less one between two boys. taeyong didn't really put much hope into it. as much as he wanted to brag to the world that jaehyun was his, he knew he couldn't. so he would settle for limited skinship in front of cameras and quick kisses only behind closed doors.

it was hard to keep his hands off of jaehyun in public when he was obviously taeyong's, and taeyong's only. he used to wonder, why can't he be happy with the one he loved? why did people have to be so cruel and unaccepting? why did being in a relationship even matter so much in the first place anyway? were idols never supposed to find someone they loved? it was his life, why did a bunch of strangers have so much say in it?

but he knew he couldn't change how everyone saw things. he learned to accept it soon enough. for the sake of the both of them and the rest of the members. he couldn't possibly risk something they all had worked so hard for. what kind of leader would he be if he did, right? he loved his members too much to even think of possibly ruining everything they've worked so hard for.

yeah, loving jaehyun hurts. having to hide their relationship from the world hurts even more and he swears he'd stop if he could but he just can't seem to stop himself from falling deeper and deeper in love with the other boy.

i guess some sacrifices do need to be made sometimes.