You know what I hate? That after everything. Everything we've been through. Everything you have done. Everything I have done. The fact that we aren't even speaking!!!!! I still want you around. I still can't make my heart hate you as a whole. I can hate the things you've done sure. I can hate the way you make me feel like I'm not good enough, never good enough. But you? No matter what you do or say.... I can't. I can't ever hate you. And believe me I've tried. I've tried ignoring you. I've tried not thinking about it. But some how? I'm drawn right back. A song. A statement. The smallest of things puts be back. Back in that place. Back where I feel like a blade is my only escape. That it's easier to just down a bottle of pills than to live. I know it isn't. Believe me I've tried enough to know it won't do anything. But I go back to a time where I was a scared little girl who was in love with the person she thought she'd marry... Back before and after that person broke her heart. Before she felt the world as she knew it collapse around her and felt herself fall into oblivion. The girl who told one single person about the fact she was going to go home and overdose. The girl who put a note in his locker, praying he would try to stop her. That he wasn't giving up on her friendship. The one who was met with screams of vicious words after they threw away the note without reading it. The one who tried so hard to make friendship work no matter the obstacle. The one who spent 4 years. 4 years. Rarely going more than two weeks without relapse. The one who willingly hid how in love she was to protect him against his parents. The one who convinced him not to jump. The one who did everything for him. The one who was thrown away for someone less 'crazy'. The one who tried and tried no matter how many times he gave up on her. The one who never gave up. Who always accepted every apology. Every vicious word. Everything to keep him in her life. The one who still believed he would come back to her. Who believed he would be in her life, in some facet, forever. Who believed every promise he gave. The potential of forever. Who still remembers how he would hold her. How her name sounded from his voice. How he promised her a life with him. He who bought her promise rings and other sentimental items. Who made her feel as though someone could love her despite her flaws. Who, when she finally began to believe his words, ripped the floor out from under her and did nothing as she crumbled into a shell of who she once was. Who tore her apart when she reached for his help. She was not perfect. That is very true. But she tried to give him the love he deserved. And now? That scared little girl has become someone new. A stronger person all around. They slip up every now and then. But they know how to pick them self up. And yet? I can't hate you. Despite everything. Despite the hurt, the pain. I can't make myself do it. Maybe I'm just stupid.... who knows? Whether I am or not, I know one thing. I love you. Maybe not the same way I did before. But I still love you. You're now my brother. I will always view you as such. And I plan to keep my promise.
