37

Levi,

I can feel myself smile as I write your name. Levi. The name escapes my lips in a whisper. Like a prayer. A silent call. A desperate cry. I lie in my bed at nights, alone. Missing you. Missing your warmth, your voice. I lie awake and I whisper your name. Feel the way it rolls down my lips. Recall those moments when I used to whisper it against your lips, in the dark of the night. Our small heaven inside a hell surrounded by walls and giants. I play those memories in my head over and over, your name in my lips, until it turns into chanting. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? Will you believe me if I tell you this is the only way I'm keeping my sanity alive?

I wonder how you're doing. Are you in military this time too? It suits you after all. I vividly remember how I used to look up to you. Humanity's strongest. My hero. My savior. When that childish admiration turned into something so much stronger, I didn't know. I only knew that I couldn't lose you. And before I knew it, you'd become the center of my world. Every day I worked a bit harder than the previous, because of you. Armin knew. He used to encourage me to open up to you. But I couldn't do that, could I? You were the Captain. The symbol of the Survey Corps. Why would you even look at someone like me? Me, a monster not unlike the ones you were so good at killing. But then, you risked your life to save me from Rod Reiss. I'd given up on everything. Myself, my hope, my strength. Hands and feet chained, ready to die. And there you were. Saving me from the world, from myself too I guess. I can still feel how tightly you held onto my hand, our fingers intertwined. And for a moment, I let myself believe that maybe, maybe you feel something for me too. Even if it was just a little. I was happy with that. Content with knowing the fact that somehow you cared for me too, in your own way. You were there, always there. Wiping my face when I coughed up blood, carrying me back when I collapsed. You never said anything. But you were there. And that was more than enough.

I'm caught up in the past again, aren't I? It's funny how something that used to make me question my own sanity has now become my anchor to hold onto the very same thing. The nightmares that used to make me scream at night have now turned into painful and aching memories that give me the sense of hope that maybe I haven't lost you. Not yet. I wonder what you'd have to say to this. Maybe you'll say that this is a waste of the second chance I've been given. That I should accept this world and this life, and move on with it. But I can't, Levi! I'm still that same Eren Jaeger. The one that knelt in that court, the one that shared meals with you, the one that followed you till his last breath. The same Eren Jaeger that fell in love with his Captain, even though he knew he didn't deserve you. I'm stuck in the past Levi, and don't wanna let go. Because letting it go will mean letting you go too. And I'd rather die a thousand deaths than do it.

You knew, didn't you? How hopelessly in love I was. Well, I suppose I wasn't very subtle with it either. I knew I was staring at you longer than I should, but I couldn't stop. To me, that was enough. Watching you from the side and admiring you for everything that you were. I was too preoccupied in my own thoughts that I never noticed how your gaze had started to linger too. I wouldn't have believed even if I did notice. I'd probably have disregarded it thinking it was my own imagination. You'd lost your squad because of me. I never stopped blaming myself for it. Why would you look at me with anything other than contempt? And then, I was selfish enough to compel you to save Armin instead of Erwin. I forced you to save my best friend, and letting yours die. I even fought you for it. I didn't regret saving Armin, never. I knew it was the only choice I could make. I'd already lost too many, I just couldn't bear to lose any more. But I forgot that you'd lost so much more. I let my selfishness take control of me and pushed you to sacrifice yet again. I hated myself for it. I wasn't any better than the titans. I was a monster too. Taking from you again and again, never giving anything back. An ungrateful selfish monster, and still so much in love with you. I couldn't bear to look you in the eye, afraid of seeing the hatred I knew I truly deserved.