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jimin, it's lila. kind of cowardly of me to text, but it will have to do. i want to give you a response to your last few voicemails.

i forgive you, but i don't. i want to put this into perspective for you, not to deprive you of your privilege to send your love, but to help you understand why it may be difficult for me to respond.

you hurt me. like ungodly amounts of hurt. when things were starting to look better for my family, you left. just disappeared into thin air without a word. did the months we spend together mean absolutely nothing to you? was i not enough? i have so many questions, but in some ways i don't blame you for leaving.

losing my sister was the worst thing to ever happen to me. you know that. you knew that i would meet ends to have her here with me, just one more time. and when i lost my best friend, i needed you, jimin, and you were too scared of my love to see that. and that hurts.

i know the pressure, i was in love once before you, too. someone wanted to give me the whole world and i couldn't accept because i quivered in fear, because i didn't know how to love properly, because i gave so little when i received so much.

when that relationship crumbled, so did i.

until i met you.

you were the person i wanted to give everything to. i didn't know if someone would ever love me quite the same, i was broken nonetheless, but you showed me life.

you gave me air that i needed to breathe, you gave me solace i didn't know i needed, you gave me love- and when you disappeared i felt a piece of myself disappear, too.

i'm glad you've realized our potential. the relationship we had, the connection, that connection that made romeo and juliet's love seem minimal. we were those stars, so faithfully aligned, but not even stars live forever. they die, too.

and sometimes i feel as if our love disappeared when you left. trust me, it was monumental in my eyes but even so these statues that once stood so high crumble into mysteries forgotten, and that jimin, that's what has helped me cope with the pain of losing you.

but you came back.

and god those words, those stupid words you can so effortlessly say now when i needed to hear them months ago, they sting me.

these beckons of a love restored, these yearnings for a relationship you had wholeheartedly- it sickens me. it makes me want to be someone else.

you don't deserve me, that is true, if you ever did; we will never know.

but i need you too, jimin. no matter how much i sit here and spew these words of contempt, i need you. like lilies need water, like water color paints need an artist, like a melody needs lyrics.

you were my days and my nights.

but even those end too.

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she shuts her phone off and
weeps.