Feelings book

mental health

i feel as if i dont belong here anymore. im such a terrible person im always angry and i get aggressive and say really hurtful things. i feel as if everyone is disappointed in me. in doing pretty bad in school and i miss so much. i break so many promises and cancel on everyone so much they say its okay but i know they are upset. my parents are getting divorced we are moving again to a apartment luckily i dont have to move schools again but it would be nice to restart. ive made so many mistakes and so many enemies. i feel that every either hates me or feels sympathy for me. i just want to be normal and have a normal life perfect family. but no of course it doesnt work that way. when i tell people what i have they are always like "wow you seem so happy" or "are you lying dont do this for attention!" i guess im good at faking. when i was 9 i had my first "mental breakdown" as you could call it. i freaked out over the smallest thing and ended up destroying my entire room. my parents had to call the police and my mother had to hold me down and they had to bring me in an ambulance. i howled like a wolf the whole way there. i think they thought i was mentally insane. we stayed in the hospital for 5 hours 7pm-12am. the doctors even asked my mom if she thought i needed to go in a mental home. i never did. we went to the doctors a couple days later and all i did was lay on the floor and cry. i was embarrassed and confused. they just said it was in my head. we cried cleaning me room. i ruined all memories and even my bed. a couple weeks later it happened again and i pulled knives out to myself and my mom. she called the cops on me and all they did was scream at me. i was so scared and they didnt leave until i apologized to them. mind you i was only nine and these guys had guns and i cant control myself when im angry. not that they could ever understand. back to the doctors and they still said it was all in my head and im okay. i was never the same. about a year later im ten. we are on april break and i try to kill myself by choking my throat. at ten years old. i had to get taken to the hospital again. nothing still nothing. i stared to skip school. i have had bullies in the past and when i was in kindergarten a boy sexually assaulted me. and in 3rd grade a girl bullied me bad. it was happening again in 5th grade. a girl would lie and bully me everyday. it got to the point where a teacher came and screamed at me on the bench at recess. i stopped going to school for weeks. id throw up and get extremely painful stomach aches. eventually my mom brought me to school and the principal held me down as she ran out to the car. i stayed in her office the whole day. this continues for a week. she eventually made me go up to class. i stopped going again because the girl was in my class sitting with me so i moved classes. it helped and the rest of 5th grade was okay. until the end. we had to move. i am really shy and it took me years to make good friends and now i had to move away. i cried so much when we moved. but we did we moved about 45 minutes away and i had to start all over again. even worse i was going into middle school. i hated it but luckily some girls came up to me and befriended me. time skip to 7th grade. i finally get some help and get medication for my anxiety. there is nothing for my anger or depression. in 7th grade i made a friend and we were really good friends until she turned on me and she still hates me to this day and i dont know what i did. ive tried to kill myself a lot. its sad. nothing makes me happy. my dog died in 2017 and i dont see my new one anymore because she is with my dad. life sucks and i want to die but im scared. i just want help