AVENGERS AS BABBIES?!!! 😱😱😱🍼🍼🍼👶👶👶???!!!

BABBIESZZ??!?*!*?!*

Tony was shook. Absolutely shooketh. He hadn't chosen this one day to creep out of his lab despite the hiss-inducing sunlight for coffee for this shit.

"What the frickety frack is going on in here?!" Tony scrawked, gripping his coffee tightly, shaking it around as he spoke, spilling scalding hot coffee all over his greasy mechanic man bod, but not noticing because of the shwookethness.

"Langige!" Steve piped up like an angry kitten.

Bucky started crying. "WAAA SWEARS HES BAD MAN MOMMYYYYY!" He ran up to Tony, greasy dark hair flapping on the wind like the cape of the Grim Reaper, and punched Tony square in the nuts with his thicc metal arm, which didn't shrink with him.

He fell over, not strong enough to lift the arm. He kicked his little legs in the air (like the beetles from beetles bugs and butterflies from Charlie and Lola XD) but it was in vaine; he couldn't get up, he was trapped.

"He's a gwown-up," Rhodey interjected thoughtfully as Tony howled in agony from his place on the floor. "He can say what he wawnts."

"Can he say he h-hates me?" Clint asked tearfully.

"Anyone can do that, Clinty-Poo, and not be lying," Natasha answered with an eyeroll. Clint gave her a funny look and continued on as normal, because he didn't speak Russian and Natasha forgot how to speak american.

"Owr,"—Clint gasped— "appuw pie?!"

Natasha started crying at this. "No, not the appuw pwy!" she screeched in Russian.

"I'm quite perturbed at the notion," Bruce agreed, smooth face vaguely crinkled in concern. He pushed his gigantic ass Harry Potter looking glasses up his tiny frickin nose.

Tony blinked. Then he blonked. Then he blunketh.

Then he screamed like a chipmunk on helium. (a/n: I know their voices get lower in the Alvin and the Chipmunks canon but for the sake of this I'm ignoring that!!!!! Great no flames thanks :))

"PEPPER MY HOT SPICY LOVER, GET IN HERE NOW!" Tony yelled in panick.

"I downt know you," Pepper said calmly, dressed in a cute, tiny pantsuit. She eyed him suspiciously. "Are you a buwgwer?"

"Wha—I'm not a burglar!" Tony insisted.

"Mommy said "Viwginia, if a mans say he no buwgwer, he a buwgwer" and my mommy always wight," Pepper replied matter-of-factly.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Well, VIRGINIA—your Mommy? thought wrong."

Pepper promptly kicked him in the balls, which were already tender and sore from Bucky's mighty wallop.

"OWWEEEEE!" Tony hollered. He fell on the ground, eyes shut and writhing in all the pain of listening to a bass-boosted version of "I Be Flossing" on loop 58670 times at once.

Pepper paused. "Then again, she awso say to steam youw pee pee, so I dunno. Sowwe."

"Daddy?" a small voice asked timidly. "Are you okie dokie?"

"No, I'm not Doki Doki," Tony ground out, grunting in pain as he tried to sit up. "Who do I look like, Monika?"

He opened his eyes to find a pair of doe-like m&m filling colored orbs staring intently back at his.

"Dadda?"

"Sonny boy?" Tony breathed.

Peter jumped happily into his arms, sniffling in fear.

"What the frickin frack in tarnation heckity friggin shoot did they do to you, young buck?"

Tony noticed Bucky's head snap up. "Uh, spiderbaby**?"

Peter sniffled. "It was Mr. Stephen. He's a bully."

"Steve?" Tony asked, confused.

"No, Stephen, Stwange?"

A sarcastic, annoyed looking toddler with, for some reason, perfectly intact facial hair teleported into the room.

"It's not nice to call people strange, Pete-y weaky." Then, he floated to the fridge, and began to down milk—right from the carton.

"Disgustan!" Sam, who had been asleep during all of this (he's a very sound sleeper) shrieked in a poor Scottish accent. He fluttered over to Stephen. "Disgustan off ye teh drink teh good ol' stoof wit'oot meh!"

Tony blinked. He blinked again. Then five more times.

"Okay, Sam's Scottish, apparently."

He turned back to Peter.

"Sorry Stephen's been a meanie."

Peter smiled. "it's okay! He gave me and the othews this good stuffs —woot beew?—so I'mma be fine!"

Peter held an expensive, very glass bottle up.

ROODY'S BEER, the label read.

"Peter, no; that's not root beer, that's—" but Tony was too late.

20 minutes later, a bunch of drunk toddlers collapsed on Tony, all stuck to Peter with his sticky Spidey skin.

"Crap." Tony muttered.

"La—ang..." Steve trailed off.

"Hey, yeah! Yeah, that's me!" A tiny voice shrieked by Tony's hairy ass ear canal. "Lang! Scott Lang! Baby! Small! I'm gonna go in your ear now! Sorry if I get big and break your head!"

His apology did not suffice when Happy came home and had to clean up.

At least he didn't have to babysit Tony anymore.

"Mother Trucker Fucker Ducker Dude!" Fury yelled. "I can't believe you Ross! You beat me at Mario Kart?!"

"Don't be a baby, Nick," Ross said with an eye roll. He then turned, stared deeply into the camera like a creepy old pervert, then winked. 

ROLL CREDITS