Host Club's Misery Buisness

We Have a Manager?

Even if I can't find any sound reason for a Host Club, I still get some great material, from perfecting the uniform to kimonos. I can do a rough sketch in under two minutes, no problem, but most times I can't get them to sit still for even a second. At least today they're in designer kimonos so they can't move around as much. Kyoya said my drawings were going to be featured in the picture books and "promotional items", but the photo books haven't even come out yet... how long does it take to snap a picture? I finish with Tamaki and go over to the twins, you know on second thought, I try to find a pose for Haruhi. If I draw it exactly how she looks they might as well kiss her "secret" goodbye, I mean really? A lavender kimono with pink flowers and a ribbon? Some customer is bound to notice.

"Oh Haruhi, you look so cute in your kimono! Almost like a girl"

Note to self: there is definitely something in the water. I might not be able to work around it but at least she's not crying because can't draw tears, but how are the other hosts crying in the first place? I might as well be something stupid, like eye drops, and the three of them practically define stupidity. Honey came up to us…crying, about how he "lost" one of his sandals.

Haruhi put her hand on his shoulder in sympathy, "But didn't you have it a minute ago?"

I figured he would have noticed a bare foot on cold marble floors, "How do you lose a sandal?"

Just then Mori lifted Honey's foot and put his sandal on, Honey started crying and hugged him. At this point I know it's unnatural, Haruhi bumps into Kaouru and an eyedropper falls out of his sleeve, didn't see that coming. Well it's their fault I couldn't get the eyes right. But my train of thought stops when I notice a girl with dirty blond hair and the Ouran uniform hugging the door frame. The twins notice her too; they lean on the door frame holding two roses using their "patented host skills". Tamaki intervenes using his "princely" lines; at first she hesitates, then slaps him in the face. She goes off in a tyrant saying he's not the princely character, after he goes "one-man-slow-motion" she sees Kyoya and jumps into his arms. What. The-

The club closes and 'Renge' explains why she's "engaged" to Kyoya.

"I love the way you were gazing at those flowers when you thought no one was looking!" she exclaimed. "Or how sweet it was when you reached out to the poor little injured kitten!"

"Is it possible you have the wrong person?" asks Haruhi.

That question set her off, "No way! I can notice my true love anywhere! He's a kind gentleman who helps anyone in need and thinks of himself last!" she doesn't have the wrong person… she's crazy. She continues on her deranged 'love-rant', "He looks like the popular dating sim from Uki-Doki Memorial! You're my real life Ichi Dobi Abi!"

Haruhi and I, having no idea what the hell she's talking about, managed to question simultaneously, "Uki?"

"Doki?"

Tamaki and the twins labeled her as an "otaku" and were somehow petrified at the thought of it. She doesn't seem any different than the herds of fan-girls they deal with everyday.

"I see now." Kyoya said sitting the couch, " she's in love with that character. She projected that love onto me and somehow diluted herself into thinking that we're engaged. I assume that this Ichi character wears glasses as well."

The next day the club seemingly has a meeting about what to do with Renge, but it turned out to be about me and Haruhi. I highly doubt he's actually taken interest in me personally, yet somehow he's managed to lump me in the same group as her. She's a host and I'm the 'dog' who can do tricks. All this club sees are the similarities, like "we both need to awaken are femininity" or something like that, they waste my talent and my time. Just then Renge comes back from the kitchen with a batch of hockey pucks, I mean "cookies", for Kyoya.

I sort of missed most of the dialogue because, one: I had to finish the drawings, and two: I honestly don't give a damn about what she has to say. But somehow she gets into this rant about changing the hosts characteristics. Honey she said was the "baby-faced thug", Mori is his "childhood flunky", Haruhi's the "bulled honor-student", the twins are "basket-ball-players-trapped-in-their-own-world" (Ouran has a basketball team?), Tamaki's the "lonesome prince", and I'm the "emotionally scarred artist"… wait what?

Oh hell no, they couldn't pay me to get involved with this, "Um, excuse me Renge? I'm not a host." Everyone gets into their thinking poses. By the way, you run when they're in their thinking poses.

Hikaru starts, "Now that you mention it some of the ladies started requesting Rikku thinking he was a host..."

Honey interjected, "Rikku-chan would be so cute as a host, right Takashi?"

"Yeah."

I had to stop this ball from rolling, "Uh, no I wouldn't!"

"Now that I think about it weren't you going on about how cute Rikku is when he's working, Tamaki?" of course Kyoya had to say something.

"Alright then", don't say it, "as of this day", shut up, "Rikku-chan is officially the Host Club's "Artistic Type"!" okay… now I'm in hell. Renge was either completely oblivious to my ordeal or she refuses to acknowledge it, but either way, the "show" must go on.

The next day a Hollywood film crew is set up in the end of the North building. You'd think a Hollywood film crew would be able to shoot a half decent move that doesn't bore the crap out of me— well you'd be wrong. Were out here almost three hours because Renge keeps yelling "cut" every frame, at this rate my brother will make it home before me. Even if she's going to be a bad director, at least write some lines someone would actually say, who goes up to someone who just got their ass kicked and asks, "Can I capture your agony in a portrait of mine"?. Well that doesn't matter. Me and Haruhi had already finished our scene together when Renge calls Haruhi. I'm still drying my drenched hair from that rain scene when I hear Haruhi scream.

I throw my towel and run so fast I'm there in half a second, when I arrive I see two class-D thugs looming over her. On a kneejerk reaction I punch the first guy in the face so hard he bounces when he hits the ground, the second guy who's closest to her, I knee him in the chest and pin him to the ground ready to break his arm any second. Tamaki rushes in, sees this spectacle take place, and goes straight to Haruhi holding her face.

"Which one of you started this?" I practically growl tightening my grip on his arm.

His friend speaks up, "It wasn't us, it was that girl. She was giving us a hard time."

Haruhi finally spoke up, "He's right, they were provoked."

If there weren't so many witnesses, that crew would be washing away her blood by now. I swear to God that girls ass is mine. But I conceal my pissed-off-ness and talk to her in a firm even tone, "You can't go around judging people like that Renge, that's stereotyping... And", I kneel down to look her in the eyes, "If you do that you don't get to know them for who they really are."

The next day I knew after the weekend I'd have to start my "host training", and I was prepared for hell. I already knew Kyoya had the intent to sell the DVD's, and he used my drawings as bonus material, so overall things were okay. Well, until the bitch Renge walks up in hear like nothing happened, "I just came to say thank you and", here comes the fan-girl squeal, "I thought it was so chivalrous of you to protect me Haruhi, and when you were scolding me about not judging people you were talking about me, weren't you Rikku?"

"Well... yeah...", I couldn't finish my sentence before she was dragging me and Haruhi off into the sunset.

"Come on Haruhi, Rikku, I think its time you got to know me better. Lets go play at my house!"

Tamaki called after us saying he didn't want us to have a girlfriend… now that I think about it I don't even want to know what her definition of "play" is.