What They Don't Tell You

Wishing Moths

What they don't tell you is that sometimes, wishes do "come true" but you see... this is what makes wishing so dangerous. Because with every wish that you are granted, there is always one that isn't fulfilled and you become hopeful just to have your heart crushed in the end.

Every mile that we drove towards camp was one mile further away from him. We were hours away from any kind of service now so my iPod was just a useless, cold box of metal and glass that only reminded me more that I would be disconnected from him for a week.

As awake as my soul was to the love that had sprouted it's newborn roots, I didn't grasp that's what it was. Or maybe I did but I was too scared to admit it to myself. Let's go with that because that's definitely what it was. The air grew thinner the deeper we drove into the woods and I found myself mentally replaying moments from our limited library of memories.

*** It was the middle of the fall semester. I was sitting at the local library studying. My phone buzzed. It was a message from him. He was asking if he could come do homework with me. I remember my heart skipping a beat when I read the request. My response was eager consent. The minutes that followed were filled with pure nervous anticipation that fluttered in my stomach on butterflies' wings. When he walked in, I noticed a sullen air about him. He trudged over to the table and sat down slowly. His eyes were lowered and heavy and he looked an ashy shade of gray. My heart cried and I reached out a hand to rest on his wrist. He looked up at me in a moment of surprise and I pulled away as I realized what I'd just done. As quickly as his eyes had shot up to meet mine, they dropped again and he sat there like a miserable statue. He wouldn't speak to me even though I urged for him to tell me what was on his mind; what was wrong. I never did get much of an answer. Just that he was stressed about school and discouraged with water polo. I knew there was something more though. A tangible sadness that reached deep into his soul that he wasn't allowing me to see. To this day, I wonder what I could have done better to comfort him; to be what he needed. ***

As dark as this memory seems, I held onto it like it was the last shred of light in my life. Like in a dream when you know your body is about to wake up but you try  to keep your eyes shut so the happy visions won't stop. 

Darkness crept in and blanketed the sky as we pulled into the campsite. We set up the hunting tents and assorted supplies and prepared to spend our first night in the mountains. Setting up camp was not an easy task. From start to finish, the process took a few hours. It was pitch black and growing very cold by the time we finally settled into our cots. My sister and I were in a separate tent from the guys. We were sitting cross legged on top of our sleeping bags, having a late night talk as sisters do. Our conversation carried on as the minutes stretched closer to 11:11. I don't know if it was the crisp air that was nipping at my eyes or the glow of the lantern that hung from the ceiling of the tent making me feel glowy on the inside, but tears started rolling down my cheeks as we talked about him. I remember telling my sister that I was terrified of losing our him by allowing myself to feel more. I explained how much he'd come to mean to me and how much I valued our bond. To this day I cannot express how much my sister means to me (the actual world and beyond). She listened and let me cry. I was truly taken aback by the emotion I was experiencing as I started to detect the love that had grown undetected in my heart for him. I was trembling as I went over every detail of the year that had led to this day. How did this happen? How did this happen? Truly, I didn't know. All I knew was that I was up on the top of a mountain, clutching his watch in my hands, crying over the thought of losing him; of losing my best friend... who I loved. As my tears slowed, my sister offered her sympathies and her advice that I have confidence in our friendship and allow whatever would happen to happen unhindered by fear. I love her. 

I watched as the minute hand on his watch struck 11:11. Closing my eyes, I wished something that would come to be true in one month. I will let you imagine what my exact wish was because it will be soon that you know anyway. I sensed the seconds ticking away and I knew that he too was wishing. I knew that we were both on each other's minds in that same moment. It was bliss and hell all at once.

11:12. The moment was gone and I opened my eyes as if I were coming out of a trance. Reaching over, I turned down the lantern and said goodnight to my sister. We snuggled deep into our sleeping bags and watched as the moonlight shone through the tent walls and caught our breath in the air. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted but my mind wandered while I lay there. Recently, sleep had always come second to thoughts of him. My mind's eye lay sight on a particular memory that made me smile and I watched as it replayed in my head.

*** We were at a youth group event. This time it was being held in the evening on one of the parishioner's properties in the countryside. A bonfire had been built and the youth were mulling around, roasting s'mores and talking. I can't recall the exact nature of the conversation that followed, but I was standing with a group and they started to poke fun at my height. I really thought nothing of it. The only thing that drove me to walk away and sit by myself was that there were about five or six youth who joined in on the "fun" and I could sense him watching as I was made a fool of. The seat I found was by a shed that was situated back from the bonfire and out of the light from the house. I sat and watched as everyone chatted but I was fine. Maybe mildly embarrassed that I'd made myself look like a pushover in front of him and a little frustrated that my short stature was the talking point of the evening, but I truly was fine. Because I wasn't worked up about any of it, it came as a surprise to me when he walked over and asked me if I was okay. He surprised me even more when he expressed that he had gone to the group and told them they were being unkind. I could tell he was angry so I tried to assure him I wasn't bothered. He admitted that it upset him to see me "bullied". I smiled at this because I hadn't seen it that way. I suggested that we go towards the garage where the activities were being held just for a change of scenery. 

The majority of the group was playing basketball. A few of them were trying their hand at the ping pong table. He and I started a game. I can still picture what he was wearing: Grey T-shirt and white jeans. His key chain hung out of his pocket and his watch, the watch that I now held in my hands, flashed on his wrist. I don't remember who won, but I do remember seeing that moth fly past my face. He dropped his paddle and ran after it, trying to capture it from the air. I followed him, begging that he be gentle. He turned around with his hands cupped around the poor thing and laughingly asked me why he should care about a silly moth. I explained, "It's a wishing moth. Make a wish and set it free. If you hurt it, you're only killing the chances of your wish coming true." He rolled his eyes and shook his head in lighthearted mockery. I can still see the sparkle that shown in his eyes when he looked at me. That mischievous sparkle. I could get lost in those eyes. So lost. He kindly let the moth go and from that day on, we would refer to all moths as wishing moths. ***

Sleep came slowly but sweetly as the memory faded and I settled deeper into my sleeping bag. The last thing I saw before I fell completely out of consciousness was a moth, fluttering against the moonlight and even though my hands and feet and face and well... everything was cold, my heart was warm.