What They Don't Tell You

A Gamble

What they don't tell you is that the wings of every dream are made up of our highest hopes but you will never be able to fly without the wind beneath them and the wind is made of pure risk.

In the months leading up to our first kiss, I had felt like a trembling baby bird perched high on a thin branch, timidly peering out over the life below and imagining what courage it must take to step into the sky and fly. This was my first ever relationship, my first love. I didn't know what I should or should not do. But then the kiss. Now I'd taken the plunge. I was free falling and I couldn't discern if the rush was terrifying or thrilling. My wings felt dangerously new and fragile but my awe and anticipation for this undiscovered world kept me afloat among the clouds. This high lasted a substantial length of time and when I finally regained my wits, life around me seemed subdued. I was still in love. He was still him. But the air stood strangely still. We had held hands. We had shared our first kiss. Where was there to go from here? We were two best friends in love and riding a magic carpet of new promises and hopeful dreams. Gliding through the constellations, we were content being in each other's presence. I could see the horizon but didn't know what magic it was made of. It shone brighter than anything I'd ever seen but I wondered, was it fire or gold? Did it matter? I was already burning with love for this boy and I would forever be the richest person in the world if he stayed by my side. At the time, I didn't take another minute to think about our fate and now here we are just a few weeks after November 11.

I was sure of what I felt. I was sure what I felt was for him. But there was always this quiet voice in my ear whispering the question, "Does he love you as you love him? Does he love you at all?" If you ask why I have referred to us as being "in love", I assure you it is in good faith since he showed every sign of reciprocation. But at the end of the day, he had not yet said those three words while all I could hear was my heart repeating, "I love you, I love you, I love you". 

Nevertheless, we were happy and I am glad to say that my inner uncertainty didn't taint these precious days at all. Our frequent snapchats and texts continued as did our late night phone calls. All was consistent and tranquil until I realized that he was sending another certain emoji more often than all the rest; dice. This time, my heart jumped into my throat. The last time this happened, the result was significant so I had no doubt that he meant something paramount! However, nothing was to be revealed so easily as he clammed up whenever I questioned him. After multiple attempts at coaxing him to let me in on the secret, I gave up because he stayed resistant. I decided that if it was something important he would tell me and after that I tried to keep my mind off of all the possible meanings those stupid dice could possibly have. 

Once again, a late night phone call had us both sitting in our normal positions; he in the basement on the couch where his family couldn't hear him and me in mine where I was cuddled up next to my life sized teddy bear, "Fredrick". We were talking over the Snapchat phone and sending each other messages simultaneously. Our conversation was unassumingly sweet and simple until:

"DICE"

"DICE DICE"

"DICE DICE DICE"

"DICE DICE DICE DICE"

He had sent me several rows of dice and nothing else. I felt my hands turn cold and I whispered over the phone, "Please just tell me what it means." Silence. I took a deep breath, "You can tell me anything. You know that." Silence. My heart dropped and I laid my head on Fredrick. "Do you really want to know what it means?" My head shot up as his voice sounded in my ear, "Yes please I really do!" The thumping of my heart picked up it's pace as I waited for his response. Silence. Seconds went by and then his voice again, "It means..." I felt myself unable to breath as he paused. "It means I..." My ears pounded to the pulsing of my heart and I stared at the screen waiting for him to complete his sentence. "It means I love you."

An icy/hot shock ran up my spine. The back of my head tingled and my heart raced rapidly. In this moment, I panicked. It had been half a minute and I still hadn't said anything. My fingers swiped through the emojis on my keyboard as I frantically searched for I don't know what. THERE! Tap, send. A snowman. I sent him a snowman. 

Alright, let's pause. I'll explain. Dear reader, when he said "I love you", my heart exploded and my soul sang. Every bone in my body ached to say it back. No doubts prohibited my response. I had never felt so sure about anything in my life. Only, I was also immediately struck by a bolt of fear. Not the fear you would imagine in it's traditional sense... I can only describe it as being afraid of holding a priceless treasure in your hands. This fear paralyzed my voice when all I wanted was to blurt out that I loved him back. This leads to the snowman. I sent him the snowman to buy myself some time but also because to me, the snowman represented how I felt whenever I had thought about telling him I loved him. Across the span of the months we'd been together, whenever I had the urge to say those three words, I would freeze. No matter how much I wanted to tell him, my uncertainty as to how he felt and my nightmare of losing him rendered me instantly unable to say anything, instantly frozen; frozen like a snowman encapsulating this warm glow of love. If this makes no sense, all I can say is I was inexperienced and in love... the recipe for this exact mess. 

Breathing heavily, I waited for him to say something, anything. I stared at the snowman on the screen and my ears rang with the silence as I sensed the seconds ticking away. "What does the snowman mean? Finally! His voice cut through the room like a sword even though he whispered this question in the shakiest tone I'd ever heard. Here I go. This was the time. It was now or never. "It means..." My voice caught in my throat and my heart screamed at me, "Just say it. SAY IT!" I shuddered, "It means I love you too." Silence. A tear of relief and nervousness fell down my cheek. Still silence. I looked down at my screen and almost fainted when I realized the call had dropped. Did he hang up? Was this a bad dream? WHAT HAD I DONE?

I didn't dare attempt to call him back. I was sure I had just ruined everything. Even though he had said he loved me first, in that moment I was still consumed with the irrational fear that he had lost all of those feelings the second I told him I loved him too. 

RING, RING, RING

The blood immediately returned to my face as my phone rang. I hastily swiped on his caller ID and heard the click as the call connected. I could hear him breathing. "I'm sorry, my phone died." I gulped on a combination of laughter and the sensation that I wanted to cry, "It's ok! Did you hear what I said?" "Yes. Snowflake, I love you." Now my soul really sang when he said that and this time, there was nothing holding me back, "I love you too. So, so much." The minute that followed was shared in quiet, but it was the kind of quiet where two people are so connected that they don't need to say anything to each other because their hearts are doing all the talking. I broke the silence with a question that had crept into my mind, "Why the dice? It's a very specific emoji." He laughed a quiet, nervous laugh, "To me, the dice meant that I've been wanting to tell you I love you for a long time but I didn't know when the right time would be. I didn't know if you felt it back and I didn't want to lose you. So telling you tonight was a gamble." I was in awe at how similar the meanings of our emojis were so I told him the deeper meaning to the snowman. The rest of the night was spent in pondering over the moments that we'd both wanted to tell the other how we felt. Recalling all of these memories with him felt like heaven. I didn't ever want the night to end. 

We were supposed to meet at a coffee shop with some friends in the morning and I was already dreading seeing his eyes for fear I wouldn't be able to contain myself, "Tomorrow at coffee... I want to say I love you but we'll be around friends." He sighed, "That's okay Snowflake. Whenever I look at you, I'll be telling you in my heart. Just look in my eyes and know I love you." The feeling I had when he said this was like no other. I can only compare it to the feeling of sinking into your bed at night and knowing that you're safe, that you're home. I was home. He was my home.