I Thrive for Death

I Thrive for Death ~Jack Johnson~

Why is it so hard for me to get away? Can't God see the pain I am in? Why am I still here? I just want to leave and nobody know. Nobody even cares. Like really, who would care if I am gone. My brother wouldn't. Being I am bullied by his friends, and him. Maybe it would make him sad too. I just wish I could leave. All the pain in my arm. I love it. I think I will do one more. I pick up the already bloody metal. Cold and beautiful to me. I put it up to my arm on the already bloody side for the other cuts from before. One more for me just being me. The pain in my heart and the idea of death floating around the bathroom. Maybe my time will be soon.

As I was thinking about death, my brother, Taylor Caniff, the jerk from vine, kept banging on the door. "Hey, can you hurry up! I need to pee!" "Sure. One minute." I cleaned up the blood. I washed my arm and put my long sleeve down. I even put the blade in my pocket. I don't want anyone to know I cut. They would either make me feel worse about it or feel pity for me. I don't want that. It would be to much attention.

I am really sorry. I forgot to tell you my name. My name is Catie Caniff. I don't really like it when the teachers say me last name so I tell them not to say it before class. They ask why and I just tell them I don't like it and that I want it to be a secret to them so I go into class and I say I am here. I know what your thinking. OMG! You are related to Taylor Freaking Caniff? I love you. Yay. It ain't as specail as it seems. Now back to my story.

I cut on my tights and my stomach sometimes. Not a lot. Mostly on my tights. That way I can wear short sleeves and shorts. Without people seeing the scars. I used to do my arms and then I got really hot in summer. I then started my tights and stomach. The pain there was better. I always put a fake smile everyday so nobody could really think I was sad. It is very depressing. I do everything but if Taylor or his friends are in my class, I move out. I don't like them. It is really hard to explain. It started when dad and his mom got married. From then he was a jerk. I swear I cried everyday after that. The pain that goes threw me then was diffrent. We were friends and then something happened and he just became this made person. Who would have thought an Idiana kid could do that? He leaves for Magcon soon and then I can have the house to myself. Jack and Jack, Nash, Cameron, Matt, Carter, and the others are nice when they do vine and me yall but when they come to say Hi to Taylor they pick on me. Everyone besides Hayes, Jack J, and Shawn. I don't really talk to them tho. Just don't want to make things akward.They are coming in a little bit so I should go ahead and patch this up. I made the bandage over my right upper leg. I went downstairs and I grabbed an apple and watched Ridiculouness.

After I watched the one with Riff Raff, the guys came in and I ran up to my room and I was to tired to listen to there talk. I then remebered that I would have to leave with them for this stupid Magcon and that I should at least vine and make my YouTube video that I promised I would. I grabbed my phone and had the idea. I got fake bloody and a blade and I went to the bathroom and started to film my YouTube video. I put the blood were it is suppost to be and a tiny bag that slowly made the fake blood come out. I got into postion and then I cried really loudly. The next thing I knew what my eyes closed and the boys were screaming. They called my mom and after they left I cleaned and my mom came up and I said "Hi mommy. I missed you but aren't you supposed to be at work?" "Yes I am and as for you boys, don't do that ever again. Now go away. " I grabbed my phone and went to my room and realized that they had finally seen my cuts. I did have my pajama leg up and it showed the scars. Maybe they couldn't see because of the blood. As I heard the door shut meaning my mom left I took the bandage off and put a big band-aid on it and pretended to go to sleep until the guys came in mad at me for pretending to be dead even if I really want to be dead. "What in the world was that? We thougth you were dead and why didn't you ever tell me you cut? I saw the scars on you leg Catie!" "I never told you I cut because along with that I get bullied too. Not only by the football players, baseball players, or the popular people. I even get bullied by my own brother and his friends. The only ones that don't are Hayes Jack J, and Shawn. Out of all the people, my own brother. I hate it. Sometimes I come home, cut, pass out, wake up to pounding, clean up, eat dinner, and the a shower and go to bed after a normal day. If I am lucky I wouldn't wake up. So just leave me alone. Thanks. Bye. Pack for me if you want. Talk to you later." I said that and went to sleep.