Look At Me

Fight

I don't know why I felt this way, but it just happened somehow. I didn't feel like me. The monster in my mind never went away unless someone made me happy. When I made my mistakes at home and my mistake at school, I didn't know how to live with myself. I didn't know how to live at all. One time I had gotten into an argument with my mom. Her and my sister had to go somewhere and that meant I was home alone. I tried to just breathe and fight the monster, but that was impossible. I saw a small kitchen knife and stared at it for a little bit. I picked it up and ran the blade through my fingers. I knew it was sharp, but how sharp? I rolled up my sleeve and decided that it was gonna happen one way or another. This was the first time I had cut myself. I had watched videos of people telling their cutting story before and never understood how it made them feel better. Even after I cut myself I still didn't understand. Cutting didn't make me feel any better, it felt like a reminder of all my mistakes. I did it again, and again, and again until one day I just stopped. I had cut myself a total of 9 times, but they were small cuts. I actually started to feel better, but I don't remember how. I hadn't cut myself for at least 3 months. I still felt bad and was still constantly getting yelled at, but at the same time I felt better. In the past I had thought about suicide, but I knew I couldn't kill myself. I have someone special in my life that I know cares a lot about me. I didn't want to make her mourn over my mysterious death 'cause she's my best friends. My cousin meant so much to me that I couldn't kill myself. I just had to let go of the thought, and I did. One day we had a chat and we talked about each other and how we were feeling. I told her my story and she told me hers. I felt great and so did she. All was fine in the world and all was right.