Summer Sights

10 | revelations

a/n: this song is everything and more <3 

The sun's still out when I leave ButterCup's at eight, with a mixture of worry and determination coursing through my bloodstream. Andre said he wanted to meet me tonight, so that's what I'm doing. 

I'm playing by his rules, and I'm going to listen to what he has to say. I'm going to get to know him better. 

But do I want that? Do I want to get to know Andre better? 

The simple answer is yes. The complicated addition though is, but what's going to be the effect? This is going to change a lot, I know it will. And it's just gonna make it so much harder in the end when everything manages to fuck itself up.

 Everything always manages to fuck itself up. 

Tonight he's gonna tell me how his mom left when he was young and that led him to hook up with girls and them tell them to fuck off in the morning. Or he's going to tell me how he used to get bullied when he was younger because his teeth were crooked and when puberty hit him everything changed and he learned some life lesson. 

Tonight he's going to open up, and he's going to expect a reaction from me. Maybe some tears; maybe some pity; maybe a pat on the back. I don't fucking know.

 And I don't know what he's going to get out of me. I don't know how good of a listener I'll be and I'll probably say the wrong thing. 

And I know that him opening up to me and giving me a piece of him to cherish, I just know that it's gonna make it even harder for the both of us when I can't do the same. When I can't put everything out on the table and just lie there naked infront of him. 

I can't handle the judgment and insecurity and vulnerability and how he'd look at me differently. It'd just fuck everything up.

 But I know by not opening up to him, he's just going to get frustrated. Well, more frustrated, he's already frustrated. And I want to do something about it. But, I can't.

I'm trapped behind my own doors, surrounded by my own walls, and I'm holding the key that would solve all my problems. But I won't let myself out. 

I'm crying and banging and kicking and screaming at myself from the other side of the door to let me out.

 My free self. My happy self. A me I can't even recognize. She says I have to do it on my own. She says she's with Andre on the other side but he's fading quickly. That his patience has become ephemeral. 

She says to use the key and everything will be fine. Just put the key in the hole, just open up, just let him in, catch him before he leaves. 

And I can't. 

So either way, everything would just fuck itself up in the end. 

♢♢♢

When I get to the clearing I see Andre, but he doesn't notice me. I lean up against a tree and decide to take advantage of this, observe his spectacle from afar. 

His head is facing up at the sky, which looks like it's still not quite ready to set, but his eyelids are shut.

 Next to him on the grass lay a tattered brown notebook with a band securing the pages. His feet are in the water and light looks like it seeps into his coffee-colored skin as it glazes his body. 

He's beautiful. That's all I can say. In this moment, he's not sexy, or hot, or tantalizing. He's just pure beauty. 

And I have no idea why he would ever want to even acknowledge me.