MAN-EATING DWARF CYBERNETIC T-REX FROM MARS:RETRIBUTION PART 7!1! (Based on a true story)
Final Girl woke up with a start after dying in her dream from that dude with the claws again. No, no that guy from the X-Men, the other one. Anyway, she got out of the bed, half-naked to make the reader more interested in her sexually, ad got dressed. She walked into the main room of the cabin in the middle of the misty forest with no cellphone reception miles away from civilisation her and her friends decided to go to during the summer break. It was early in the morning but Sportsman and Sexually-Active Female Friend were already making out, much to the enjoyment of Terribly Annoying Joking Character. “Insert attempt at a joke about my friends making out and Sexually-Active Female Friend being hot!” He said enthusiastically before smoking more of some kind of drug that impairs his vision and mind, meaning he is unaware of any imminent danger.
The reader groaned internally at this joke, as did the narrator of the story. Generic Smart Person walked into the room and said something technical, reinforcing the idea that he was the smartest in the group to the reader. Terribly Annoying Joking Character replied with another unwitty retort, causing the narrator to die a little inside and setting off an unbelievable guffaw from the group. Fortunately for the narrator and reader, Sportsman pulled out some kind of totally-not-dangerous-or-suspicious book that for some reason wasn’t in the previous scene. Sexually-Active Female Friend opened the book excitedly before feeling disappointed as she discovered that the book was written in Latin. With blood. With skin as parchment. You know, not ominous at all.
“At least Generic Smart Person can read Latin!” Final Girl exclaimed stupidly, as if intent on murdering all of her best friends of various skin colours and backgrounds so as to not render the story as racist. To put a twist on it, however, the Asian with glasses was the Sportsman and the Generic Smart Person was the black guy with a sports jacket. What an interesting twist! The other characters were white, not that anyone cares really. They were all hot though, because that way the reader can just imagine how hot they are instead of question anything else in the story.
So, Generic Smart Person then read the first sentence which said something not unlike ‘Please don’t read the following stuff out loud or something bad and stuff will happen lol.’ Everyone listened intently and Final and Generic Smart Person were all like “Hey guys, let’s just like, not read it and stuff, mmkay?” But then Terribly Annoying Joking Character mouth-farted when he said “Read it out loud cos it’s not real and things.” For some reason, Generic Smart Person agreed with the brain-addled Terribly Annoying Joking Character and said the following sentences. “Hey I told you not to read this stuff out loud lol. Just pretend it’s something cryptic and foreboding then something at the end that talks about something returning and stuff K thanks bye.”
As soon as this was read aloud, Final Girl had a premonition about Sexually-Active Female Friend dying in some kind of intricate Rube Goldeberg machine-esque way, somehow getting decapitated by a plastic spoon or something else of equal stupidity. “Don’t grab that can of apricots!” She yelled as she tackled her promiscuous friend to the floor, plastic straws flying through the air like, uh, lots of low weight flying thingies. Fortunately for the bored narrator this actually led to her death via some other kind of intricate Rube Goldberg machine-esque way, causing a plastic straw to go through her massive, totally not surgically enhanced breast and into her heart. The cheap-but deadly-2 dollar Chinese drinking utensils killed her instantly.
“Lol my bad”. Final Girl gasped, staring all shocked and stuff at the corpse of her friend in shock whilst the narrator checked their watch to see when they could leave to get some Subway. Terribly Annoying Joking Character said something unwitty and totally inappropriate compared to the current situation, causing all of the totally not expendable main characters to start laughing again. “Oh, Terribly Annoying Joking Character!” Sportsman slapped him on the back heartily, suddenly forgetting about the fact that his girlfriend had just been killed with a sippy straw. The rather depressing display of camaraderie was interrupted by a bang on the door at the front of the house, followed by some swearing about stepping on a Lego. “Is someone out there?” Terribly Annoying Character yelled out brazenly.
“Uh... Nope! You can come out, I’m totally not a Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars that will kill you violently in front of your friends!” Came a reply. The narrator didn’t even anymore so he just continued narrating, shaking his head. “You should totally come out and check around and things bro!” The Totally Not a Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars continued. At this point the narrator had almost given up on life itself and was ordering a pistol online so they could end this torturous experience. Fortunately for them, Amazon was a super-fast and reliable internet shopping service that worked 24/7 and had the best prices you could find! Sponsor, shut up. “K guys, I’m gonna go outside and investignatify that bang I heard, not the voice of the Totally Not Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic Dinosaur from Mars that I didn’t actually hear.” Terribly Annoying Joking Person said.
“Ok, have fun!” Sportsman said cheerfully, kicking his girlfriend out of mental range of the reader so they forgot that the group had just lost Sexually-Active Female Friend and were remarkably calm about it. “I will, Sportsman!” Terribly Annoying Joking Character replied before walking outside. He saw something standing in front of him. “Hey, it’s something that looks familiar but is actually a Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars! I need to say that to make this but funny because I think it’s something else but the reader knows it’s actually a Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars! I hope it doesn’t eat me because I take drugs”. The Terribly Annoying Joking Character said, before being eaten because he took drugs. The narrator swears it wasn’t an anti-drug message, they just wanted an easy way to kill someone off. Believe them. Please.
So then the Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars entered the cabin (It’s giant and a dwarf so it’s average size so it can fit through the door). It had, like, chainsaws for hands and crap and a hockey mask or that one from that movie about Jigsaws or whatever. Sportsman stopped derping around being a stereotypical sports guy and was all like “Run and things!” To his buddies, who ran out of the cabin so we can talk about them later. “One v one Rust, scrubs!” Sportsman yelled in rage, referencing his favourite Call of Duty game for some reason, killing the narrator just a little more. Then a skeleton popped out and all this hyper-realistic blood appeared and then we cut to a dramatic camera angle of the window whe- Oops, wrong format, sorry. Then Sportsman dies. The narrator can’t be bothered telling you how, make it up yourself.
Final Girl and Generic Smart Person ran through the misty, totally not dangerous at all woods at midnight because if it’s at night it’s scarier, right? The Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rexs from Mars were close behind, flailing their hilariously miniscule chainsaw arms around uselessly like a really fast windmill of spinny deathliness. The narrator was proud to announce at this point that during the fiasco the ever-pleasant to work with Amazon team had finally arrived with a gun for them, who was sick of this world because not only was the plot atrocious, but his girlfriend Lisa was tearing him apart.
Suddenly, Generic Smart Person tripped over a conveniently-placed pebble and collapsed to the floor, causing his leg to explode violently in a desperate attempt to make the following crawling-away from Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rexs from Mars scene more believable. Generic Smart Person started crawling away from said Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rexs from Mars that were almost upon him. For some reason, totally not just to set up an awful joke, Generic Smart Person climbed into a nearby wheelchair “Don’t eat me!” He yelled “I’m a cripple now that my leg inexplicably exploded to justify me not simply standing up and running away like any sane person would do in this situation!”
“Lol, meals on wheels”. One of the Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars said to the other. “That’s just insensitive, Carl”. The other replied. Before the reader could question why a Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rex from Mars was named something as dumb as Carl, let alone could speak English, Generic Smart Person died. Uh.. it was a falling branch or something.
Suddenly, Final Girl appeared and chucked water at them. Fortunately the narrator had made up some bogus story that the Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rexs from Mars were, like, allergic or something so they dissolved the end. Just kidding, that would be to unrealistic for this kind of story. The Giant Man-Eating Dwarf Cybernetic T-Rexs from Mars just stared at her blankly for a little while before eating her too. Then, in an unexpected twist of M. Night Shyamalan-esque proportions, they all went back to Mars and had a teaparty using the skulls of their dead enemies as plates because, you know, this is still meant to be a horror story. Then the narrator tried to shoot themselves with the gun, sick of life, but it was a fake one! Double twist!
THE END(?)
