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Relationships

" Two years ago, I met this boy who we will call Jake. Jake and I were both the same age, and we were pretty young too. I know it’s crazy to say this, considering our age and all, but I fell in love with him within five minutes of us talking. 

The fact that he talked to me that day when no one else did, made me laugh and how we’re similar just created these butterflies in my tummy. 

There was one problem however, we lived in different countries and were extremely far from each other.

Him and I didn’t talk much after that. We met late November/early December (sadly I do not remember the exact date). We started talking again in early January, around this time actually. 

We talked about the thing we bonded with, sex. This story isn’t about that, but the fact that sex is such a taboo subject played a part in us bonding. We both were interested about it. 

After that, we started talking more and more, but it wasn’t until the summer of 2017 when we finally decided to get in a relationship. 

We weren’t together for long, due to trouble from an ex of mine, but it was clear we loved and still loved each other. 

We were on and off since that point. We both argued or just couldn’t stand to be with each other. Though we always came back in the end.

Skip forward to 2018, our hardest year. We only got together at the end of January and a couple times in February and March. 

We were arguing so much at this point that we both knew we wouldn’t last long, except we both tried our best to make each other happy. 

Just a small note for things in the future to make sense: I have been showing signs of depression since I was in grade 8, which didn’t make loving easy. Jake, who also was showing signs of depression, was also not easy to love. (I will explain more of this at the end)

On April 2nd, 2018, Jake left me at a low moment for me. I got in a fight with a family member and when I went to him for comfort and happiness, he left me. Saying that he has no time and such. This did not make things better obviously and was the point in my life where things went downhill. 

Jake and I didn’t get together until May, but we were still close. I went on a trip that month and he absolutely ruined it, breaking my heart when I accidentally assumed he was my boyfriend. 

When I tried to find a new guy, Jake was heart broken and jealous. This jealousy broke us apart, since we both also have bad jealousy issues. The distance also did not help.

In the end, we got back together on May 27th, 2018. (Side note, the 27th of every month is a sad day for me)

We were together for almost three months, though in August, my jealousy got the best of me and we broke apart. What made it worse was that he immediately began flirting with the girl I was jealous of right after we broke up. 

The day he dumped me was also the first time he heard me cry, which he said broke his soul. If that was the case, I don’t know why he refused to talk to me the next day.

At the end of August, he faked having a girlfriend just to get rid of me, which he did. I left and we didn’t talk for a month. 

In that month, I fell in love with this boy from my school, he didn’t like me back and that didn’t help with my Jake heartbreak.

In October, I went to the hospital due to my depression. The days leading up to that, all I could think about was Jake, I even thought about telling him about my hospital visit. 

As if fate was listening, he came back the next morning and we were together by the next day. We had our ups and downs, but we only lasted a week and six days due to my family not being a fan of the boy.

After that, I started going crazy I guess you could say. I started drinking, vaping, trying to find guys to date and love. I did anything that could make me forget about Jake, even if it was for a second.

My grades went down and I stopped caring. I started crying more and I was begging for him to come back. Though, not many of my friends liked Jake.

They didn’t trust him or think he loved me, so I lost a few friends as well.

Sadly, Jake decided that we weren’t meant to be and that I am too impatient. So he gave me this long message of how we’re done, forever.

We haven’t spoken much since then, but I have hope in us. We’ve said the same before and ended up together, but if it’s true, I screwed up my life for nothing.

I love Jake and will always love him, a piece of me belongs to him, but the way I coped with it was horrible. My depression started to grow worse since October and he practically killed my soul.

If I could go back, I’d stick to what I should’ve coped with: writing and talking to friends. 

I would’ve convinced myself that Jake isn’t a good guy for me, which a part of me believes but most of me just thinks that our love was perfect, but it just was way before its time.

I know that if we were closer we would last longer, but I planned my whole future around ending up with him. 

He changed my life and who I am, but I made some bad decisions in an attempt to get him back or move on.

If I just wrote about how much he hurt me, or talked to people, that would’ve been so much more better. Instead, I resorted to all the things I said I wouldn’t do.

For all those who have their own Jake, look at your relationship in third person and don’t make bad decisions like the ones I made. "

~ Anonymous

16/1/19

A/N

Thank you for sharing out your story. All of us truly appreciate your bravery. Self harm is never an option even thou it may seem like one or perhaps as the only option. There are so many other alternatives but sometimes we just never stop to look around but remain still staring at what we think is the only door there. Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to and that may be the most hard thing one could accept. But, also once we learn to accept it, it'll be the best decision we would ever make.

We are only humans, we are meant to make mistakes but also we control how we let those mistakes shape us. You are brave for you stand here, still so strong when throughout this you might've thought that you wouldn't even make it through all those nights. You accepted all those decisions that weren't good for you. You are learning to let  go and that will help you and I wish you all the best for it. If one is meant to be in your life, no matter what happens, at the end of the day, you'll be together. But, truly we do t know exactly who is meant to be for us. Sometimes the closest and most permanent people from our life turn out to be temporary.

I hope you find your love but even before that, I hope you find the love you look for yourself, in your own self. You can not ask others to give you the love, you aren't giving yourself. Start with yourself, love yourself , be kind to yourself. This body and soul of yours needs care and love and appreciation and you have to be the one to give it. You've been very strong and still are and I hope you're proud of yourself.

Be kind to each other. Be gentle. Especially, be kind to yourself! Every story is worth being told.​