ℙ𝕌ℝ𝔼 𝕆𝔹𝕊𝔼𝕊𝕊𝕀𝕆ℕ •ℕ𝕚𝕔𝕜 𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕒•

• 𝟚 •

𝗠𝗔𝗬𝗔𝗡𝗡𝗔
nsfw ahead

Nick Mara...Nick Mara....Nicholas Mara. His name rung in my head like a catchy song while I picked out yet another outfit for the night ahead. It's like 9 o'clock would never get here, almost like time ran slower by the second.

I wonder if he's tall, I wonder what his voice sounds like deep and manly or boyish, kinda like Derek's at times. Derek. Derek Monsour. I threw the articles of clothing down on the unmade bed. Derek Vincent Monsour. How does your name always find a way to creep back into my head. at his name again,I began to become angry, pissed that it made me upset, for more reasons than one.  I picked up the first outfit I put together. Moving my way to the bathroom I shut  the door, locking it behind me, standing I looked in the large mirror.

      everything on me screams Derek, Derek's shirt, Derek's "love" bites on my thighs, and my hair....the hair he asked for, telling me I'd look better this way.
Something I hold most of my confidence in, he found a way even to corrupt it, make me feel ashamed of wearing my own hair, ashamed of showing who I am.

     Instead I show what he wants me to be. Wearing what he wants me to wear, talking like he wants me to talk. Covering my face with makeup to look how he wants me to look, braiding my hair for him...speaking in public only when he wants me to. 

    "I do what he wants, I become his fucking puppet and this what I get!?" I'm sitting here really talking to myself huh, bat shit crazy. shaking I slide my back down the door beginning to sob lightly. I guess this is my breakdown, I opened the cabinet under the twin sinks taking out the haircut kit I bought for him years ago. Pulling out the silver scissors I stood in the mirror. I guess I'm gonna be like those emotional teens in this white girl movies. Sitting alone in the bathroom cutting my hair off while sobbing. I look at the waist length braid going up to wear my hair stops, I put the blades of the scissors to the point.

Snip....snip...snip.....snip.....

      Letting the braids fall to the floor, I undo the rest of my hair pulling out the extra lingering strands of weave. Looking at my hair in the mirror, finally myself agin. I strip of my clothes and, step in the shower. Letting the warm water run across my back. I lathered my hair with shampoo, gently detangling as I went along. Rinsing then repeating, I moved on softly lathering my body with body wash, I began to scrub away with my shower scrub, trying to get every inch of him off of me.

    Being more gentle with the sensitive bruises on my thighs. Washing my delicate areas I finished off my shower, taking a shaving razor from the shower rack. Giving myself a fresh clean shave, I took the disposable razor and with me out of the shower, turning off the water. I tossed out the razor pulling my towel from the rack and drying my body off, taking the smaller one and drying off my hair.

   I wrapped my hair up tending to my body. Drying off and and rubbing on some lotion. I pulled on my lace thong, following with my Burberry plaid pants, always complemented with a one of "he who can be named"s old belts. Finishing it off I put on a black bralette as the top. Rubbing the towel on my hair, spending a lot of extra time on it Making sure I got most of the water out.

I treated my hair making sure that it wouldn't get too dry, I plugged in the straightener, going over my hair, coming it as I went along until I was done, now I felt like me. Felt like myself once again. I let the comb slip through my hair. Swaying watching my hair move with body and life, stiff where. I giggled to myself, leaning in the mirror applying my make up the way I wanted to apply it. Doing my lashes last, I blinked looking surely at myself , truly being myself. Turning on my heels I unlocked the door leaving the bathroom. The sun has set, I pulled on a pair of shoes, I pulled my bag over my shoulder. I found a seat on the corner of the bed, taking my phone off the wireless charging pad I checked the time. 8:55.