Black and royal blue

XIII. Mirror, mirror...

I was woken up by the sun shining in my room. 'What time is it?' The sun only reaches my room in the afternoon. I didn't feel well rested. In fact, I felt like I was 500 years old, like a huge rock was placed on me. Every part of my body was aching. When I opened my eyes the bright light hurt my eyes so I quickly shut them closed again. I tried to sit up but fell back immediately and I suddenly felt dizzy. I rubbed my eyes. 'Ahhh!' I moaned with pain. 'What is this?' I touched the skin under my eye and it felt puffy and painful...Could it be? My gaze driftet to my hands. They were bruised...It wasn't a dream??? I jumped up and faced the mirror... And... And then.... I saw....

'I wasn't dreaming...' Everything became clear. Too clear... The dreadful memories of yesterday washed over me with the force of a tsunami. Vivid flashbacks started to torment me as I looked at myself. The footsteps. The alleyway. That monstrous laugh rang in my ears... I smelled their stench. I couldn't look at my face. I had to gather my strength to raise my glance. I saw nothing but the wounds and that damned blackeye. I felt the force of his punch again. I had to look away in disgust. Untied my robe and as the fabric fell to the floor, it left a horrifying scene. I stood in front of the mirror stunned. My body was stained with bruises. I unconsciously relived the awful moments of the creation of each one as I glanced at them. I touched my neck and those bite marks  were burning with painful fire. I felt their disgusting breath on me. My fingers traced the red line on my throat. The world around me shattered. The fear of death caught my breath as I felt the cold knife gliding on my skin exactly where the cut was. I clutched my neck. I was shaking. My tears started to flow. 'Please, I beg you!' I cried.

'Lady Ana, are you up? May I come in?' it was Kio.

Oh, no. She can't see me like this. I must pull myself together! I quickly put my robe back on and wiped my tears. You can do this!

'Yes Kio, please do come in!' It took a lot of effort to squeeze these words out. The door slid and Kio entered.

'How are you feeling, my Lady? Do you need anything?' She was clearly worried.

'I...I was just about to take a bath.'

'Lady Ana, I know you don't like being bathed, but please let me help you this time!' She knew.

'We've discussed it several times. I am an adult and thus, perfectly capable of taking care of myself, which includes bathing alone as well. Also, I've told you a million times not to call me lady. I am a normal human being not a god damn princess. Are you an idiot or what?' I didn't realise I was shouting at her. I scared her. She must think I lost my mind. Maybe, she was not mistaken. She didn't deserved this. I must fix this!

'Kio, I am terribly sorry! Please forgive my rudeness!' I bowed deeply before her. She looked even more shocked. 'Prepare me that bath, please!

'I...Understood, my L.... Um, Ana!' She blinked and hurried to the bathroom.

As I waited I spotted something in the corner. I knew what it was. I couldn't look away... It was the kimono I wore yesterday. It was ripped and covered in dirt and blood. My blood. A strange tingling feeling started to crawl up my legs. It grew from bothering to painful. In seconds it reached the top of my head and I found myself panting, my heart was trying to escape my ribcage. I felt demons crawling under my skin. I felt dirty. An unstoppable urge was drowning me. I have to clean myself! I must! I can't take this! It made me feel sick. My whole body felt filthy.

'Don't lose it now! Just... a little longer.... You can do this! Don't scare her again!' I tried to calm myself down.

'The bath is ready!'

I burst into the bathroom, throwing my robe at Kio. I jumped into the tub and suddenly realised my maid was still there. Okay, on last effort. I cleared my throat. 'Ehm, thank you Kio, you may leave now!' She didn't move. 'I said. You. May. Leave. NOW!' I carefully formed each word. If I shouted at her again she would have thought I've gone mad and might have told someone. Fortunately, she bowed and left. I waited a couple more seconds until couldn't hear her steps. And then I couldn't stop it anymore...

I finally lost control and insanity took over. Panic filled my chest and the only thing I could hear was my mind constantly screaming 'You are dirty, you must get clean!' like a mantra. With all my strenght I was violently scrubbing and scrubbing my body. 'You are filthy!' As I brushed the bruised areas of my skin, I felt pain but it couldn't stop me. 'You must get clean!' I was rubbing every inch of my skin with a coarse brush over and over again. Dreadful memories flared up in my mind. I remembered how that hideous monster groped my breasts. 'No, stop!' I shouted. I felt his saliva on my sternum where he licked me. 'No, no, NOOO!' I was clawing my chest.

Kio rushed in the bathroom. 'Lady Ana, what are you doing!!! You are hurting yourself!' Her shriek snapped me back to reality. She grabbed my wrists and pulled me out of the tub. She wrapped me in a towel and wiped me dry. She said nothing but I saw in her eyes that she was terrified. My skin was burning red and covered with scratches. I knew I was in trouble. She brought a yukata and this time I let her dress me. When she finished I sat down at my desk in silence. I sighed and buried my face in my hands. I felt emptiness and general numbness. My brain seemed to stop working.

Kio bowed and was about to leave. Say something! They can't find out.

'Please, don't tell anyone!'