Cracked, Not Broken

Homesick For Nowhere Real

"The Truth As Seen Through Cracked Lenses"

These days, the only emotion that I'm capable of experiencing is discomfort, I feel forever out of place.. and I know that I'm homesick. Yet as far as I can see, I'm not yearning for any particular place. 

I'm on the hunt for, well, I don't really know. That's a good part of my problem. I've always wanted to know of and understand what people meant when they happily chatter about how they felt "at home." The idea itself is so strange, so beautiful to me. Feeling at home. I want so badly to walk into a coffee shop, someones house, a playground or anywhere, really, and feel safe, calm, protected.

I suppose I did feel somewhat like I described above at one point in time, I can still clearly remember the wind drying my tears and cooling me off as I sat damn near pressed against the icy waters of that canal I used to love and cherish much more so than any of the empty faces filled with hatred that I became oh so familiar with.

Maybe I did in fact know what home felt like more than I'm giving myself credit for. Perhaps, it was the look in his eyes and the expression on his face the first time that I yawned the way that I do when I'm really comfortable. Maybe it was taking pictures of the first girl that I ever truly loved, and seeing the pleasantly surprised look at her lovely face. Maybe it was even the elegance I felt the first time I danced in front of an audience.

Yet when I truly stop and think about it, none all those beautiful little moments don't actually equal home to me. Nothing really does. Sometimes I see old scenes from various points in my life flashing by, and those feel like home for a brief moments. But then the hallucinations or the memory ends, I realize where I am, and all I'm left with is a terrible sadness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I wish so badly that I was able to cling onto those partial memories and live within them again. No matter how unhappy I was at the time, I was always near a canal or a mountain, so I was usually able to feel okay for a little while.. even if I was living in a dense fog and seeing everything through a filter, otherwise known as nostalgia.

Why is it that I'm unable to adapt? Looking back, I'm able to see that all I've ever really done is move from one place to another, remaining unhappy, and for some reason missing the last place that I walked the streets of- again, while unhappy. I've never been comfortable right away, never been able to claim my surroundings as a place I am fully comfortable in.

I've been able to find that sort of false comfort in the personality of a few people, but I also knew from the beginning that that was a mistake. A mistake that I happily indulged in anyway, because for a mere few moments, I pretended they would be around me forever so that maybe I should never feel lonely again.

You see, life so far has given me a hundred reasons as to why I shouldn't emotionally invest in another human. You would think that I would have learned my lesson by now, but my heart is broken in the sense that it will never break enough to stop loving all those I know. And my hands will tremble as I try to pour love into another's shattered soul, and I will do this no matter how much my own must break at the hands of all those with shakier hands than my own.

People opt for taking their own life instead of meeting you where they promised they would a hundred times. They swear up and down they'll be there for you when you need them most, and then they're not. There's anger, confusion, and unwavering sadness. And then you get a call from their relative, begging through complete sobs to come rushing to them. By the time you reach the person so incredibly sad they wish not to be alive anymore, it's too late. You get a kiss, and promises of what they wish forever could have been, and then nothingness but the shrill scream of a flat-line.

People leave you for the next available desperate individual who lives to base their personality around another. Most humans tend to search for someone who is able to be happy most of the time. They paint you a pretty picture of how they want forever to be spent lying next to you, and then you prepare to knock on their door and overhear them making the same promises to another that you heard less than 24 hours before. You look through the window in time to see a kiss, then hear the words of "I've never met anyone as happy as you, it's why I'm so desperately in love" and you realize you can never compare. So you slink away, walk home crying and they dont call.

People break your heart over and over and leave you believing it was your fault. They are never to blame, they're only human, its not their fault they cant fix you! While perhaps that is true, it would have been so heavenly if someone had been willing to help you through it. Sadness is a wound that can never be healed, but with enough nurturing, it gets to a point where youre able to be okay and smile some of the time.

People shove pills down your throat all while whispering sweet sounding lies and then they beat you until your bloody and bruised and all that can escape your bloody lips is the words "I'm sorry." They make you feel high and on top of the world, like you can do anything, and they have the most fun dragging you back down to reality again. They do this so that all the pain hits you so much harder than it should have had they let their dead soul be apparent from the beginning. They give you happiness, only to take it away. And sometimes, they do this purposefully, because you're seen as nothing but a game.  A mere plaything they can ruin whenever they get bored enough.

People notice your advances, pretend to be interested, all while secretly talking you up to their friend and then passing you on to them as soon as they can, in the hopes that you'll place your affections elsewhere. They drink wine with you during a long car ride into the mountains, they kiss you and make you feel alive in a way that you rarely do.. and then the next time you get blessed with their presence you see that they moved on and you realize with horror: you may be the reason they escaped an unhealthy relationship, but that doesn't mean that you're what they want at the end of the day. You're just a stepping stone. And they do it so calmly and apologize every step of the way, so theres now way to make them see that they easily and effortlessly broke your heart.

People yell at the top of their lungs and make you flinch all while telling you "I'm not screaming, I would never yell at you, honey. You just have hearing problems, that's all. You're just overly sensitive, that's all." They manage to make you believe you're the problem, all while using marijuana to hide from their own faults and shifting their mental anguish onto you, possibly without even realizing it.. possibly knowing full well what they're doing.

People arent reliable, they continuously pretend to prioritize you and then blow you off without a second thought to your well being, and they're never there to see the tears that they caused. They build you up with anticipation and then they decide that you were never worth there precious time, so they slip out of your radar unharmed and leave you wondering what you could have possibly done wrong.

So even after coming to realize that humans who I love are usually the main reason I sink into a hole of depression, why do I keep building homes out of human beings? They're not forever, they shouldn't be comfort to me, yet they are. and I hate it so fucking much. I wish so badly that I was homesick for an actual place, a place I could return to and be able to sit and think, alone with just my rarely calm mind.

But you cant go back in time to people who are no longer there, feelings that are no longer real, and moments that will never occur again.