Forever & Always, Even if My Forever is Limited

F&A...Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Depression descends like darkness at midnight; like generosity on Christmas-quick and without real reason or purpose. I find myself hiding in my room after dinner with "homework" to do.

There are days that I am filled with such sadness and pain that it is hard to breathe. As I lay in my bed, under all the covers, I fight my demons. They whisper in my ear telling me to do terrible things. They say to take the razor and stop the pain.

It feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any moment. My chest feels compressed with the pressure of holding in the scream I've been saving. The sadness races through my veins, pulsing. I consider ending it all now-it would be easy. So many ways I could die right now.

But I cannot.

I cannot undo everything my parents did: it would be shameful of me to waste the hundreds of thousands of dollars that went to my care, to keep me alive. I am not that ungrateful.

So I settle for a temporary solution. I grab my razor and let my mind go blank and my body go numb. I give into my darker side as I run the blade sideways across my wrist. I bleed out all the pain. I'll feel okay until the blood replenishes. Then, I'll be right back where I started.

All the while my parents sit a few rooms away, unaware their daughter is gushing blood from both wrists. Later, she'll clean it all up with bleach. When they smell it, she will simply say that she was cleaning the floor. They will give her a pat on the back for being such a good child.

My life is messed up.

It's a cold, December night. But, really, what December night isn't cold? I have just taken a shower and curled up in my bed when my phone rings. Not wanting to wake anyone else up, I jump off of my bed and grab it. "Hello?" I whisper-shout.

"Vera?" a husky, familiar voice replies. It's Taylor. "You okay?"

"Couldn't be better." It was a half-lie. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I was perfectly content talking to him on the phone. "What is up?"

"I was kind of wondering what you were doing this tomorrow..." he admitted cautiously. "Maybe we could go get something to eat, if you aren't busy. If you are that's totally okay."

His nervous babbling was adorable. I felt my heart soar. "Like a date?" I questioned, already knowing the answer, yet I hoped I was not wrong.

"Yeah! You know, Vera, I really like you. I was wondering if you would maybe want to be my official girlfriend." He rushed this part out, but inside I was screaming of happiness. Asking me out over the phone was not exactly how I imagined it going, but I doubted that he would have showed up at my door with a dozen roses, even if I asked. "I know you like me too, and I was just wondering why we should keep pretending like we don't."

"Yes!" I shrieked into the phone. I forgot about my sleeping family, and quickly quieted down. "Hey, I'm sorry, but I have to go. I'm totally not supposed to be on the phone this late. See you tomorrow?"

"I'll come around to get you at about seven tomorrow. Okay?"

"See you then."

"Bye."

I shut off my phone and did a spazzy dance around my room. I flung myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow. My life had become utterly flawless. For this first time in years, I did not have the urge to hurt myself.

Awkward was all I could say about our first date. I envied the couples who could just jump right into it and be completely comfortable and friendly with each other. Taylor and I sat across a red table-clothed table with a candle lit in between us, both unsure what to say to one another.

I have never been the talkative type; dinner dates were usually something I stayed away from, but I could survive anything for Taylor. I've downed three glasses of water to keep my mouth busy, so I wouldn't say anything stupid, which I am really starting to regret now. How do you get up to go to the bathroom on a date? I mean, if you just say, "Excuse me." He might think you're ditching him. And I certainly can't stand up and shout, "I have to pee!" I decided to hold it.

"How are you?" he gazed at me across the table. He leaned forward, as if my answer was the most interesting thing in the world to him. He looked so adorable in this white button down and black tie. The clothes didn't really fit him though, I could tell Taylor had picked this place so I would be happy; to prove my point, he uncomfortably adjusted his tie.

"I'm lovely, and you?" I wondered if he was thinking the same about me. I wore a black skirt and a red, deep-V neck blouse with ruffles around the collar.

"I'm good."

Silence again. This was not going well. The waiter came by, yet again, and poured me more water. I crossed my legs and bounced up and down in my seat. I was very aware that I looked like a four year old. "You okay?" Taylor asked worriedly.

"Um," I stood up slowly. "I'll be back..."

I started to walk calmly away to the bathrooms. Being myself, I tripped over a little boy who purposely stuck out his leg in front of me. Falling on my face was the thing I least wanted to do when my bladder was about to explode. My face burned red. I could feel Taylor's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head; not caring, I picked myself up and tore off for the potties. This had to be one of the most memorable dates of my life.