Adapting

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Your support means the world, I thank you for that. Enjoy!

***

The first few weeks were the hardest things I've ever experienced.

I was in denial at first, much like my family and friends, but seeing the scan of my organs inhabited with deadly splotches seemed to create a reality for me.

We didn't know what we were doing, what life had gotten us into. The only choice for me at the time was just to take things step by step and hope for the best. It wasn't the most satisfying answer to get from the doctors, but it was my answer. And I had to accept it.

One month after the news I started chemo. The girls in my "Fault in our stars" video didn't exaggerate. It was a lot to handle. Is it bad that I was most worried about losing my hair then the actual pain chemo would cause me? Cancer treatments themselves cause pain, not just the physical kind either.

To me, the worst pain is seeing how my sickness effects the people around me. How their eyes slowly lose their shine and the smiles around me go numb. It's a slow kind of progressive torture.

Although not eating for 3 and a half weeks straight is definitely a close second. That's right, you heard me. In order to shut down my bowels to prepare for cancer ridding surgery I was unable to eat or drink for almost an entire month. They kept me alive on tpn of course, still pumping necessary nutrients into my body, but not enough to keep me from hurting or to dull my hunger. Just enough to keep me alive. Just barley.

It wasn't the hunger that got to me. Or the constant dry throat. It was the days when Tyler would come in and not eat a thing the entire day just because he couldn't bare to eat in front of me, and the thought of leaving me was worse.

Looking back on things now it's surreal how much support I had from Ty and the YouTube community. Except Tilly didn't leave my side.

He was there when I fell asleep.

He was there when I woke up.

He was there.

But where was I?

I want answers. I need explanations. Why am I telling these memories from a coma instead of in my hospital bad with my close friends gathered around.

I should be awake, telling him I'm alright. I mean, telling them I'm alright.

Except I'm not alright. Actually I'm far from it.

the problem is that I'm just now realizing it.

'I see it in your eyes

I've brought my own demise

Now I sit rotten

To the core'

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⏰ Last updated: Oct 23, 2014 ⏰

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