BROKEN

Chapter 6

We were drunk and having the time of our lives. It was our party. We were finally out of high school and you couldn't blame us for wanting to dance away the night, but that was it. All I wanted to do was dance, have fun with my friends, throw jabs at each other, play drinking games and merry all night. Apparently that wasn't what my boyfriend and high school sweetheart had in mind.

I had just had a session of vomiting and I was rinsing my mouth by the bathroom sink. My boyfriend stood outside waiting for me

"I need some fresh air"I told him, coming out of the bathroom. I still felt all woozy barely managing to remain standing. Jason took my hands to lead me down the stairs and out the house.  We went to his car which was parked a little distance from the house and the noise and the stench of alcohol. We talked about life for a while, about what we wanted to do after high school, about our dreams and aspirations and the colleges we applied for. 

Jason and I had talked about having sex before. We had decided to take our time. Okay let me rephrase, I had told him I wasn't ready and he had agreed to wait. I am one of those persons who still reverence sex and all that. I wanted to wait for when the time was right or I don't know, it just didn't feel okay then. I always felt like it was this big step I wasn't ready to take even if all my friends had done it at least once.

Anyways, back to that night. Jason and I had talked to no end about what we wanted and didn't want to do with our lives after high school. We got to that goey part where we tell ourselves how much we would miss each other and make promises that our love would be unending despite the distance and bla bla bla and we kissed and what started as an innocent kiss between sweethearts soon turned into a full make out session. I was flat out on my back and his hands were all over me as our tongues and teeth collided in frenzied passion.

When I felt him lift my skirt and press at my entrance, I struggled for all I was worth. He was too strong and I was in such a disadvantaged position. I tried to scream but his hands covered my mouth, muffling my screams. 

The pain I felt was indescribable. The pain in my  heart and the one between my legs. I didn't deserve it. My first time shouldn't have been like that and no amount of apology can bring back what he stole from me that night, my innocence and pride and self worth. I didn't talk to anyone about that night. I walked home since I couldn't go back to the party. I did try to talk to mom who was on one medical mission at that time and when I couldn't reach her, I never brought up the rape incident again. Mom doesn't know I was raped. I've only told her that Jason and I broke up, never said anything about what happened. I don't know, I just cant bring myself to talk about it.

I haven't stopped blaming myself for getting raped. If I hadn't gone and gotten drunk or maybe if I hadn't gone and made out with him in his car. If I was a bit stronger or If I hadn't bunked all my self defense classes. Maybe if I wasn't so trusting or if I had just stuck with staying with my girlfriends or stayed home and watched movies on netflix. They do say that 99% of girls who get raped have it coming to them right? Maybe its true. Maybe I deserved what I got, rape and nightmares and insomnia and all. I hate Jason everyday for what he did to me but I hate myself more for letting it happen and there is no getting over what has happened.

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Mom and I have spent the majority of our time preparing for our trip to Nigeria. Shopping and getting our passports ready and talking about what part of New York we will miss the most. Its been almost a week since that party. Jason hasn't tried to reach out to me again thankfully. Jenna and Maggie on the other hand haven't stopped calling and texting and wanting to talk and apologizing for setting us up to meet again. I have sworn them to secrecy though. I don't want it getting out that I was raped and all that. I think I do this whole secrecy thing more for myself than for Jason. I just don't want to be seen as some kind of victim or worse to be condemned or something. 

The nightmares haven't gone. In fact I'd say they are worse off now. I get scenes and falshbacks of my last encounter with Jason and you know how my mind works. It always manages to scare me to no end. I cant be anymore eager to get up and get out of this place. Probably make new friends and just do what I love doing most. Helping hurting people. How do you help hurt people heal when you cant even help yourself heal? I don't know. I guess I'll find out.

Mom has expressed her optimism that I'll finally find 'peace' In Nigeria and I hope I do because I am getting tired of living this way. Crying myself to sleep and waking with a scream. Life has got to be better than this right? Jeeeez how I long for someone who truly understands what am going through to tell me its okay and that it'll all get better.

Life sucks!!

Author Note

I know this chapter is short and all. I just thought I had to at least get something out. Ive been a lot busy recently and I've got my hands full with school work so....

Yea so writing this chapter I got so emotional and it really messed with me a lot. Am glad I've gotten it out and I hope I did justice to it. 

please let me know your thought about this book in the comment section and where you see this book heading in the upcoming chapters.

I love you all!!