Happy Monday (Unrevised)

Then She was Gone.

That moment when you realize as an adult, that you are being bullied. It's an intense moment. You think back to your youth, your childhood days and what bullying looked like then. As an adult it can look exactly the same. Or so much different.

I didn't realize I was a victim of work place bullying until my bully wasn't there.

I'd wake up every morning, dreading getting ready for work. I thought of ways that maybe I could get out of going, but the thought of calling and having to speak with my bully made my throat dry and my heart race.

When waiting for the bus, you got more and more anxious, but had no choice to get on and commute to your nightmare.

Some days, I took my break in the bathroom stall where they couldn't find me. Other days I walked to the nearby park, even though it was cold and I really didn't want to.

My days off were no better. I'd spend them scared of my phone ringing. Scared if I forgot something. Scared of what was waiting for me the next day when I had to return to my personal hell.

I was almost always right. Some days I'd walk in carefully, hoping to avoid them as long as I could. It didn't matter though, once they found me it would be a endless barrage of things I did wrong. Things I should have done. Things I shouldn't have done and more tasks than one person could do in a single 8 hours.

My breaks would get pushed back to accommodate the tasks I was assigned on top of my regular work. Even then, I'd have to nearly beg to take them and feel guilty when I did. I'd be ignoring hunger pains and a building headache from lack of food and water, yet I felt guilty for wanting to sit and have a small meal to recharge.

Still, I didn't realize I was being bullied.

Then, after 3 years of this, I was told my bully is going to be gone away for a while.

I felt like I was going to float away at the same time that I felt like I was going to throw up.

Interesting imagery. I may have to draw that later.

The next day I walked into work, I felt a tremendous pressure crushing my relief. What if they showed up despite what I was told? I worked hard, trying to get everything done that they told me the day before. Scared they sent someone to report back to them.

Paranoia.

I didn't get it all done. I got so much completed, but not everything. Their ridiculous expectations stayed with me like they were hovering over my shoulder. Despite my relief of them not being there to chastise me, my body trembled involuntarily. I was still scared. They weren't there, they might not ever be there again, but I still shook with fear.

Was I beyond repair? Would the feeling of fear, anxiety and inadequacy cling to me forever?

I began to head home, my mind racing with all of the steps I could have taken in order to finish all the tasks I assigned myself on behalf of them. I couldn't tell if my eyes were watering from the stress I was putting onto myself or the brisk air blowing into my eyes.

I'll never know.

Looking back on it, that day wasn't awful. I simply projected negative emotions onto myself and onto it. I'll get a hold of that eventually.

I will not downplay the severity of the bullying. I just know that some things are in my control. I can't let my bully control me anymore.

If you are being bullied, don't let them control you either. It's easier said than done I know, but it's so important. Being afraid will keep you from being your best self.

It's time to become your best version of you, despite what they want to do to bring you down and prevent it.

Happy Monday.