Tinted Rain

III.

I had an amazing night with Dean last evening. Dean makes me very happy. I didn't even use the knife lying underneath my mattress for the first time in a long time. Instead, I got home late and immediately took off my trench coat, revealing the many cuts already on my wrists and forearms. They stand as reminders. But for once, there was no urge to grab the blade and slide it roughly against the delicate skin on my arms.

Dean has already affected me in a very positive way. I want to tell someone about it but I have no friends to tell. Well, I have Dean now... Honestly, I feel like I want to be more than just friends with him, though. He's very sweet but I'm sure he's straight. Good things like that don't often happen to me. Especially not lately. Things have only gotten worse. Until now.

How could I express how I feel about him? I have no one to tell.

So I write:

Dean Winchester is a senior in my high school this year. I apparently have Chemistry with him, but I've never paid attention to people in school. Only my siblings. Dean is very beautiful for a man. He has brilliant green eyes that--I swear, they shimmer when the light hits them. I met him when I went to my tree like I do every morning. I lit up my first cigarette in seventeen hours(that was a long time!!!) and then he yelled at me from below. Like he was my guardian angel or something, trying to save me and my lungs. He wore this stupid leather jacket--although I admit he looked great in it. Dean is different and I don’t know how to explain it but he makes me feel good about myself. Like maybe if I stick with him, my world won’t be so grey. It would be… more green. I like that color now.

Anyway, Dean got me to skip school--the whole day--and took me to Harvelle’s Roadhouse. It was nice there. I’ll spare the details, but his friend Jo and her mom Ellen think that Dean and I are a couple. And maybe I’m just wishing too hard, but I swear Dean’s eyes lit up at the mention of “couple”. But we both awkwardly laughed at the idea to keep up appearance.

He took me there because I’d challenged him in a way. I told him that I didn’t like surprises and he said that I would like this one and I did. He won. He had me try my first cheeseburger and wow! I have never tasted something that good in my entire existence. All eighteen years of my life. So while Dean was driving me home, he made me listen to the entirety of both sides of an AC/DC cassette tape. Can you believe that?! He still uses cassette tapes! I thought everyone trashed those in the nineties. When we got to my house, he leaned in and I swear my heart was going to beat out of my chest. He was going to kiss me! But no. He brushed his lips against my ear when he said goodnight. “Goodnight, angel” he’d said. And that was the perfect ending to a nearly perfect night.

Nearly. Because of course I went past curfew unintentionally and so Dad punished me. And yet, I slept fine. No cuts or bruises this time. At least, not ones inflicted by myself. And oddly enough, I still feel… Is this what happiness feels like? Either way, I like it. I can’t wait until I see Dean again and get to give him his prize for making me like his surprise. I wonder if he’d be weirded out if I kissed him? Probably. So that can’t be the prize.

So that next morning, I went to do exactly what I normally do. I went straight to my tree, but for once, instead of lighting up, I stashed my stuff in my backpack, way deep down, and went to all my classes. I sat next to Dean in chemistry that day and between note taking and answering questions, we made fun of the teacher quietly.

Dean leaned over at one point and wrote in my book, “so what’s my prize?” He looked up at me with those big green eyes and I smirked, writing back, “I’ll show you later. ;)”. Did I seriously just put a winky face? Oh well. Dean didn’t seem to mind at least. Well, if he didn’t mind that, maybe I could kiss him as his prize. I mean, if he acts weird after it I can say I just misinterpreted things, maybe? I’d really like to kiss those lips. Damn I have to stop thinking like this! I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff. Someone who knew what to do.