Burnt to Ashes (Phan)

Chapter 5

(Sorry for updating this like years later (ب_ب))

Sometimes I just want to stop breathing. Honestly theres no point in me breathing air. Why waste something like that on me? Just let me die in peace, just take away something I need so that I have no choice but to go instead of living like the coward I am. Let me suffocate and finally end it because I'm already drowning in the waves of dispair that is my life. For me there's no point to living, all it does is harm me. I've found that there's no point to a lot of things really. Like resistance.

I wanted to go meet with Phil. I really did, but honestly I was terrified of it. I have no clue what made me agree so readily. Just when I saw how cute he was rambling- Ah no he's not cute I can't think that way, he would be creeped out. But man was he so frickin hot with his perfectly styled quiff and those arms mmmm. I'm not an arm guy don't get me wrong but his were just like wow. Choke me daddy. I mean uh. Crap I need to stop thinking this way. It's not like he's gay like me, he's probably just pitying me because he saw my bruises.

I couldn't help but push the bad thoughts away and hold on to that tiny sliver of hope. That maybe he actually did like me for me. I had gone for so long without hope of someone accepting me and now that I had a slight chance I didn't want to be harmed again. Its happened too many times. People think it's fun to befriend someone like me, only to stab me in the back when I finally start to hope. I never wanted it to happen again, but I can't help but wonder if this time would be different. That hope was like poison to me. It swallowed me whole, infecting me, making me want to rely on someone. To have the friendships or relationships that I saw all the time. I wanted something real so badly that it physically hurt me, but deep down I knew I could never have it. I was different after all.

I made up my resolve during the school day that I would go see Phil. What did I have to lose anyway. I had already been hurt, already been betrayed. Anything he did probably would hurt the same, but it's a pain I was familiar with. Maybe if I got lucky it would be a pain I wasn't familiar with too. God I needed to get the image of his arms out of my head.

The instant class was over I stood up, throwing my backpack over my shoulder. For the first time in years I was genuinely excited for something. It was a weird feeling. Almost like anxiety, but I knew it wasn't that because instead of the familiar heart sinking pain, I felt a little lighter. Almost as if the world was getting a little better. I made it a few steps out of the classroom before that feeling completely disappeared.

I had forgotten about it earlier because of my talk with Phil, but right before Nathan left he had told me he would see me after class. His threats weren't empty I knew that all too well. So it wasn't a surprise when I saw him waiting by the front doors. I ducked into another hallway praying that he hadn't seen me. There was no way I was going to miss hanging out with Phil, even if I had to take a worse beating tomorrow.

I waited a few minutes to make sure Nathan hadn't noticed me, and then I went to the back of the school where the busses parked. I would have liked to go out this door everyday because not many people actually took the buses, but the teacher who monitored it was a real bitch. She made students go back through the school and use the front exit, and if someone refused she gave them detention. Detention wasn't that big of a deal because I was failing most of my classes anyway, but I had gotten so many that another one meant expulsion. I couldn't afford to switch schools, thus why I put up with all the bullying. Well honestly that would probably happen anywhere because I'm a faggot and a freak.

I made it to the doors that led out to the buses and quietly opened it. There were kids leaning against the walls and sitting on benches waiting for their buses to show up. Other kids were already on buses or currently boarding them. All of them chatting excitedly about their day and what they were going to do once they got home. For once I didn't feel jealous of it because I had something better than all of their plans. And it felt nice, even if I had to take some risks. Even if there were consequences for skipping out on Nathan. I leaned against the wall pretending like I was waiting for a bus, when in actuality I was waiting for an unfortunate kid to try and walk home. There was usually one who just didn't care about getting detention. If I was lucky that is. Which I'm usually not.

I waited for a while and no one tried walking home. I really couldn't afford a detention though. I waited a few more minutes before a trashcan a few feet away caught my eye. Perhaps I could control the freak inside me for just a few seconds. Enough to light it to cause a distraction. I focused on the edge of a crumbled paper on top. Summoning something inside of myself to light it on fire. Nothing. Fucking nothing. I couldn't control it. I had never been able to control it. Why was I just a fuck up? I couldn't even do one thing right. All I wanted to do was go see Phil and maybe feel fucking normal for once, but I will never be normal as long as I'm cursed like this. I'm so tired of it. Tired of everything. I felt like crying but I knew I couldn't. Not in front of all these people-

"Holy shit!"

I whipped my head around to see who had said that and the trashcan was on fire. Not the tiny flame I had wanted, but fully consumed. Orange flames were lapping at the metal sides. Paper and plastic fumes littering the air. A scent I was all too familiar with almost like burnt rubber. Everyone beside me started moving a safe distance from the fire. Some of them were taking pictures or videos to post. The teacher was on the phone trying to call someone while yelling at kids to get back. I took it all in for a moment confused at how this had happened, but then took my opportunity and slipped away from the commotion. Even if I had caused it, I had no clue how.

As soon as I was away from the school I started running. I had told Phil I would meet him right after school and it had already been twenty minutes since it ended. I don't believe in God, but I sent a prayer out to anyone listening that Phil was still waiting. When I entered the park I slowed down to catch my breath, but continued walking toward the bench.
Thankfully he was sitting there watching the ducks sit in the water. I stopped for a minute just to take him in. God he was beautiful. His black hair looked so silky, I just wanted to run my fingers through it as he put his head on my lap. He had a little bit of ginger at the roots of his hair that made me wonder if he dyed it. I hadn't noticed before, but then again I hadn't paid much attention to him until a few days ago. I took a final breath for reassurance and slung my backpack off sitting down next to him.

"Hey!" He said instantly becoming a ray of sunshine.

"H-hi" I replied slipping back into my stupid stutter. "Sorry for being late."

"No! It's completely fine I actually love looking at these ducks. Look how cute they are!" He pulled out his phone and started scrolling to show me duck photos.

"I named this one Jill, I'm not sure why she just looks like a Jill. Actually is she a she? I can't really check." He rambled about naming a few more but I couldn't quite keep up with how fast he was talking. I wasn't used to someone talking to me for long.

He scrolled over a few more photos of ducka and then came to one of me sitting on the bench with my sketchbook. I looked at peace with the book in my lap. My left hand was paused midair to examine what I should draw next. My brown curls actually somewhat tamed. I had no clue how he had gotten a decent picture of me. Or why he would even take a picture of me. I wasn't much to look at. As I was about to question him he yanked his phone away accidentally fumbling it. It hit the grass and he quickly scooped it up.

"Uh it's not what it looks like. You just looked really cut- ah mysterious sitting there and I felt like it was a good picture. I can delete it if you want. Phil said. He looked flustered and I could see a tiny of pink on his face.

"No it's fine you don't have to" I replied. "Do you like photographery?" Wow was I really bad at conversation. Photography? really? He just showed you a bunch of pictures of course he's into it.

"Ya I love it actually. There's so much in this world that can change just by viewing it a little bit differently and I think that's pretty amazing. Plus some views are too gorgeous to not take some pics" He said flicking his eyes to meet mine for the last sentence.

I can't say I didn't blush a little. Ok fine I was blushing a lot like the freaking tomato I am what can I say the boys got game and he can play me anytime. Dang, if only he wasn't straight.