Back Alive (Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfic)

Please let me die!

When Willow left I heard her talking.

"I'm scared for her guys." I heard Willow say.

"She isn't herself. She broke up with Spike. She said she found out, well she found out that she was really meant to be with Angel. I don't think it makes sense, but I believe her. She's taking to really hard, so was Angel when I talked to him." she explained to the gang.

"She talked to Angel?!" Xander exclaimed.

"She broke up with Spike!?" Dawn gasped.

"Angel!!!" Giles sounded like he would soon explode. I couldn't listen to them anymore. I walked downstairs silently.

"It's none of your business who I talk to Xander! I told Willow! Now, I don't need your sympathy or your understanding. Just leave me alone and get out of my life! Well actually I shouldn't be having one right now! And I would have preferred it to have stayed that way! But no, you had to drag me back up to this hell, thinking that I would be thankful. News flash: I'm not!" I stormed out of the house. My arms were crossed, I seemed to be trying to keep my heart from exploding. My emotion levels were going wild, one moment sad, another mad, another frustrated, if I added another one I think I might have bursted. I absently walked to Spikes, tears staining my cheeks. My hands shook as I pushed open the door to his crypt. He sighed away from me, not seeing me.

"Look, I told you to buzz off! Just bring me the blood..." he trailed off when he saw me. His face tightened.

"GET THE BLOODY HELL OUTTA MY PLACE!! IF YOU WANT TO CRY, GO CRY TO YOUR TRUE, LOVE ANGEL! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" he shouted loudly. I backed out of the place.

"I have nowhere else to go Spike! I got mad at my friends, my best friend can barley look at me. I don't know where to go." my voice cracked.

"I don't care." his voice was low and deadly. I turned around and waited for him to follow me. Once he was close enough I flung open the door in front of me, and was only slightly satisfied when I heard him roar and his skin sizzle in the sun. Tears stained my cheeks as I walked home. I was terrified of going home, 'What would they say, would they still be mad at me.' I thought. It took me a few minutes to be brave enough to knock on the door, I was left in such a rush I had forgotten my key. Tara opened the door slowly, peeking from the crack.

"Oh Buffy! Your back." she said warily.

"Yeah. My trying to patch things up with Spike didn't go to well." I shrugged.

"Oh, thats what you were doing." she opened the door wider, letting me in. Dawn sat on the steps wringing her hands. She practically leapt off of the steps when she saw me.

"Buffy! I was getting worried." she said shakily.

"I don't need you on my case Dawn. Just 'cause I was dead doesn't mean I'm incapable." I retorted. She stepped back, as if I had offended her. I was so upset, I didn't even care who I made the same. I pushed passed her, heading up the steps.

"Don't come talk to me. Just leave me alone." my voice was as steady as I could make it through my tears. As I was walking up the steps I paused only for half a second to look over my should to see Tara holding Dawn. Dawn's shoulders quivered with tears. When I reached my room I sat down hard on my bed, upset beyond tears, beyond going to people for help, beyond wanting to live. I stood up, walked into the bathroom and grabbed my shaving razor. I stepped in it, shattering the plastic and snatched up a blade. My hands shaking I brought it to my wrist and sliced a thin line. It burned as I saw blood gushing from the cut. I suddenly became drowsy but cut my other wrist. Then I fell with a hard thud. After that I only remember Dawn and Tara looming above me trying to stop the bleeding. I felt blood oozing down my arms and onto the white tile floor. I remember trying weakly to throw them off of me and shouting at them,

"Let me die! I want to die! Die! Die! Die! Thats all I want! If you want me to be happy just leave!" I kicked violently cutting my legs on the razor blades that littered the tile floor. Dawn then shouted at me in a tone that I had never heard her use before.

"Maybe we don't want you happy, maybe we want you alive." then, beside herself with emotion left the bathroom, leaving Tara to stop the bleeding and all 911. Then nothing. Black.