ennui

remember this at your worst

last time i cried—really cried—
the all-consuming noise of gasping hyperventilation choked out my mother's voice
my mind ran laps between two impossible options such that my breath wasn't my own, my thoughts weren't my own
feeling relinquished its sentient grip on extremities one by one—decided first that fingertips were superfluous, next wrists, elbows, legs entirely
consciousness retained me reluctantly

and still i recovered
still i am here
the decision my desperation led me to wasn't compromise at all
it was for a reason