Heartless Love (boyxboy) Book 1 (Slowly Editing)

Chapter 15

"...as long as nothing happens between them, the memory is cursed with what hasn't happened."

― Marguerite Duras

I barely got any sleep that night, haunted by emerald green eyes and tantalizing full lips. Taunted by a hoarse voice echoing in my very being.

How come you still get hard thinking about that kiss?

You want this. Just as much as I do.

I twisted and turned.

...the only reason you try to avoid me, is because you're afraid how badly you want it to happen again...

...how badly you want it to happen again...

"How did you know that!?" I yelled, sitting up in bed, breathing heavily. I dragged my hands over my face. "What the fuck is happening to me?"

There was a knock on my door and I froze. "Honey, are you okay in there? I thought I heard someone shouting." The voice on the other side was soft. Worried.

"I'm fine, mom. Just had a weird dream," I replied.

"Oh, ok," she said, but hesitated. "Just let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Thanks mom, love you."

"Love you too, honey." The soft padding of footsteps disappearing down the hallway informed me she left.

Alone again. Alone with my own damn thoughts.

I laid back in bed with a groan. What is wrong with me? If only I had a dollar each time I 'd asked myself that question lately.

I wasn't gay. Never had been. Dicks didn't turn me on, chicks did. Or at least they used to...

I remembered the last couple of months before I had the devastating displeasure of meeting James. Remembered how empty I had felt. How unhappy I had been with my life. Was I still unhappy?

Well, I sure as hell no longer felt empty. I felt everything but. Both amazingly vibrating and horrific feelings had swirled inside of me since the first day I'd met him. Fighting for dominance. Always keeping me occupied and confused. But never empty.

And what about the fact that I'd barely been able to get it up for any girl during the latest couple of months? Had I turned gay then? Could you even turn gay?

I couldn't remember checking out any guys during those months, and I certainly hadn't gotten my dick hard on the many occasions spent in the locker room.

But ever since James showed up...

I'd gotten hard the first time we'd met, and he'd danced with me. I'd felt like I had a million freaking butterflies in my stomach whenever our eyes locked. I'd basically been about to burst both times he'd kissed me.

God, the fact that he seemed to know this was not only sickening, but also humiliating. How could he have known though?

Man, this was all so confusing! But I was past the point where I could ignore it. Past the point where I could shove it into a teeny tiny corner of my brain and lock it away. No, today he'd made certain to break that lock and let those thoughts rummage through my brain however they wished.

Nope, no idea if denying it anymore. I might even have accepted that this guy had some indescribable hold over me. Creating this burning desire in the pit of my stomach whenever he was close by. Oh yes, I might have accepted that. But just because my body lusted for him, just because my dick swelled whenever we kissed, it didn't mean my mind did.