One Last Look

1

The silence was deafening.
I could hear my heart beating wildly as I anxiously awaited his answer.
Sweat trickled down my forehead.
Why was he taking so long?
Doesn't he know the agony his silence is causing me?
Throughout all of this time he had just stood there, still, eyes and mouth open with shock, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I could see the wheels turning in his head.
Why won't he answer? Just put me out of my misery already.
He glances at me,

"Well?" I ask, nervously.

Still silent.

Then I heard him whisper,

"Why now?"

His questioning eyes look into mine. Grief and regret written plainly on his face.

"Why are you telling me this now?"
He repeated, through gritted teeth and teary eyes.

"I-I just-" I stutter.

"I had finally gotten my life together! I had moved on! I thought I had put all of this behind me once and for all, WHY NOW?!" Tears streamed down his cheeks, eyes closed, and teeth clamped in frustration and hurt.

"I couldn't keep living with it. This knowledge. It was killing me." My eyes filled with tears, my voice trembling as I look at the person I love most in the world falling to pieces, because of me.

"So you traded my peace of mind for yours." His voice hard and unforgiving.

"I-...I just..." I couldn't put my thoughts into words. What had I done? How could I do this to him?
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I-"

"HURT ME?!" He interrupted, raging.

"You have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine! Why, why, why would you EVER think that this was a good idea? You know, I never believed people when they said you were selfish, I knew you were sometimes but everyone is. I reasoned it away. But apparently I was wrong." He raged, his voice stinging. He turned away, hiding his face from me.

"Ben...I-" my voice quivered. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and blurring my vision.
"-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. Please, please give me a second chance. I don't want to lose you."

"You lost me a long time ago, El."

He looked over his shoulder one last time, eyes full of pain.
And he walked away.
I didn't want it to end this way.
I didn't want the last time I saw his face to be when it was twisted in rage.
But I had no choice...or so I thought.