So, I have decided it. I have decided to stop, what's the use? But really, who am I kidding? I've hoped still, I just know facts quite well. Sigh! I am dying to speak to you, so much, it's inducing pain, tears, even against my everything, I am now but an insane, obsessed whore. I hell am becoming someone I used to hate. By those times, you pro'lly wont know it anyway, you know, the cliche-saving-thing, the happiness you caused to me kinda thing, yeah, they were real, well they seemed real 'en. Sigh! I guess I was too busy reading fate that I rely on it too much, I just don't want to do the risk, so there's fate if I want you and you want me, there's the bench. Stupid! Nah, yeah, but no, I'm not going to blame and hate and fuck, I'll rant, yeah, lemme rant, at least, lemme rant, it's a different thing, you know, though maybe, small difference. Anyway, well anyway, one day, I woke up, same air, same place, I woke up. And hell! I'm still dying to speak to you! Fuck that! I woke up, stared at the ceiling for hours, the walls, I woke up, and it was a nice day, nice weather. Then I start to wonder, again, maybe, just maybe, this paradoxy I am now using in myself would work fine just like in the past. Sooner, it'll be fine. I was wishing, yet dreaming at the same time that things would go upside-down, that we could be thegether. That I was really for you and you for me. You're just like me, that's the sick part, heh, 'coz you gave up easily, I understand it though, completely. Sigh......... You know, the heart is too honest, too honest, that sometimes it simply sucks the liar out 'o you, and you can't even lie to yourself anymore. Yet; you can always abuse the sugar to make it sweeter, you can always sleep.
I woke up, another day. Everything's same but something has excited me somehow. I am very much wanting to see you, to smell you, to hear what you have to say. Our rendezvous, a bench, some place not attach at all either both our world, but the world of others, world of strangers. I went downstairs after a few hours of reverie, now I'm in a kind of rush situation, only one hour and thirty minutes left before work starts and I still haven't done anything. So yeah, I went downstairs, made then eat my breakfast, cereals, filled my bowl more than usual, turned on the tv, and it was that morning talk show I'm used to watching before heading off to work, now, I just really don't have the time. I ate my food in a jiffy, brushed my teeth then showered, by the time I am all set, that morning talk show has ended and it is now the noon news, I checked my watch, seven minutes before work starts, seven minutes! Ye kidding? Sigh fuck!
"Hi, would you mind?" "No." A man sits beside me. Not looking at him, I breathed deep and continue to enjoy this queer freedom I have for the day. Drinking Coca-cola, sitting in a bench, being in a place you've never been, lost. This is life you know. I've always loved wandering, getting lost. How come I ended up being in a tiny concrete-walled building, being exposed to radiation all the time, trying to impress someone I don't even know?! Sigh! No one knows how. Guess being time conscious somehow gets you to decay faster until you notice it and until you've given a wasted free time to know it. "Do you know how I could get to Pepper Street?" (Wide-eyed, I stare at him) "I have no idea." I reply. I have the urge to laugh out loud, and it leaked a big smile unto my face. "So are you lost too huh?" He asks. "Apparently, yeah." "Where you headin'? Pepper too?" "Yes, a certain place in Pepper Street, Loka House, I'm meant to meet a client there." I say to him, while my eyes run down to his left shoe. The lace is untied and it kinda bothered me but I didn't say anything.
I have been deliberately gulping throughout the afternoon, now my throat is dry as fuck. It's becoming hard to breathe. I cannot stop my tears. Sigh! I cannot stop my tears. Why? Nah, what am I saying. I shouldn't let my hopes turned this high in the first place, it's my fault. But it is now the trying to be normal and okay again that's harder, you know that too right? Maybe you don't, 'coz I didn't matter to you that much anyway. Well that sucks... You're driving me nuts and I try very hard to be normal everyday, I just couldn't. Every time I think about it, I lose hope in everything. Who are you? I don't know you, but who are you? I like you so much, so much, that my whole being could weep. But you're just passing, and I'm supposed to know that, you're just passing, just like the others, and yes, you are gone now, vanished, a memoria.
