An Apology

I'm Sorry

A/N: this will be a one part "story". I hope you enjoy.
________________________________

Hands fumbled around inside a wooden dresser drawer, digging under messy clothes that seemed to just be thrown into the drawer without much thought. Under all the mess, an unopened envelope lied in the corner. Katsuki picked it up, staring at it with dead eyes.

It had been two weeks since the incident, but for Katuski it felt as if it was only yesterday. He gripped the envelope tightly, causing the paper to crinkle in his hand. This was the only part of Deku- no, Izuku, he had left, and he disregarded it soon after he saw it on his front doormat the morning he...

Katsuki's eyes grazed over the envelope, 'Deku' written on the front in messy handwriting. His eyes began to sting and a lump formed in his throat.

"Goddamnit." Katsuki choked out to himself. This note was all his fucking fault. This note would tell Katsuki the awful truth that Izuku had always tried to tell him. Katsuki has hidden this from his thoughts and everyone who was curious about if he had received anything. He had tried to convince himself to throw it away, to not ever think about it again, but he couldn't bring himself to do such a thing. He needed to keep it, even if he could never bring himself to read it.

Today was especially hard for him, however. He lacked sleep and he spent most of the time he didn't sleep thinking. Thinking about what? Everything. He was so fucking upset and lost, but most of all he felt guilty. He never listened to the green haired boy, and he fucking should've. He should've set his pride aside and got over himself. He was the only one that could've fixed this mess he made.

His mother kept trying to reassure him that it wasn't on him, but she wasn't there when Izuku looked straight into Katsuki's eyes, tears streaming down his face, the last goodbye. The last time he heard the name 'Kacchan' before Katsuki leaped over to the edge where Izuku had fallen and just grazed hands with him. He was too late, and he watched the boy plummet to the hard ground.

Since then, all Katsuki did was cry or stare blankly, thinking to himself. He never did anything for Izuku, now the least he could do was read his fucking letter. Katsuki let out a sigh, wiping his watery eyes before ripping the envelope open and grabbing the paper that was folded inside of it. He halted for a moment, rethinking about this decision before he finally folded the paper open, dropping the ripped envelope on the floor.

Kacchan,

I was told to follow my heart, and look where I am now. I'm so sorry I continue to disappoint you. I'm so sorry you hate me because I don't have a powerful quirk such as you. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I always seem to upset you and I promise I don't mean to. I also didn't mean for this to happen, but try to understand when I tell you that I'm so tired of having no one believe in me, to help me up after I fall so hard that wounds begin to form on my heart. I'm so tired of everyone laugh at me for my stupid dreams and ignore me because I have nothing to offer but tears. All I wanted was for us to be friends like we use to. I wanted you to look at me without scowling and looking at me like I was disgusting. Go ahead and call me a coward because I'm not strong like you. After all is done, you'll call me even more names and say I took the easy way out, but this is what you wanted, isn't it? When you told me to take a swan dive off the roof and do everyone a favor, I took that to heart. You were right, after all, I'm not needed in this life. If I were to die, the world would not stop for me. No one would think much of it and life would continue like it always has. Most importantly, you would be happy that a coward such as me isn't bothering you anymore. That I'm not in your way anymore. I hope this makes you happy, Kacchan. I finally reached my limit and I'm leaving, just like you wanted.

Goodbye.

Water fell onto the note Katsuki held tightly in his trembling hands. His vision blurred as he sat on his floor, tears streaming down his face.

"God fucking damnit, Izuku." Katsuki whispered to himself, dropping the note and moving his hands to wipe his face. "I hope you hear me damnit! I got a lot of shit I gotta say to you!" Katsuki was raising his voice now, yelling into his room.

"You stupid fucking idiot. I didn't want you to fucking leave me! I'm sorry this isn't something that we both could figure out. I wish I could hear your voice right now. I miss it so much, Izuku, and I'm so fucking sorry I was such a prick. I wish I could've done better while you were here. I do anything to get you back, please. Come back to me."

Katsuki's tears got the better of him, and his throat croaked when he tried to swallow. He couldn't hold the pain anymore, he wanted to scream out until his throat would no longer allow him. He let out ugly sounds and sniffled, his eyes getting sore from all the times he rubbed the tears away. His heart was being crushed under an invisible pressure and he felt as if he was being eaten alive. He wanted his Deku back. God, he'd change everything. He'd accept the compliments, he wouldn't pop off and everything Izuku said, he'd encourage Izuku's dream, he'd just be next to him and let him know there was someone who believed in him.

"I'm so helpless without you. I use to shine, but now I'm left in the dark. I know it's my fault, I should've paid more attention, I should've been a better person. Fuck, Deku, I'm sorry. I just want you." Katsuki's mind was a maze, he didn't know the way through it anymore.

His throat hurt and he didn't want to speak anymore. He just wanted Izuku back, but he knew real life didn't work that way. He knew it was too late. He knew it was all his fault.

______________________

this was kind of a vent for me, so it isn't that good, but if you liked it I'm glad.