The life of Lizy

The 45 cats

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on this world that's going to end up alone with 45 cats. Even though everyone says that. But the people who say that get a boyfriend or girlfriend two moths later. I say it, because I literally mean it.

It's not that I haven't had a boyfriend yet. I got 2 exes. One when I was 4 years old and one when I was 10/11 years old. But they don't count, because that weren't serious relationships. So basically I have been single since birth. I really feel like there's a clock ticking my time away. I feel like I'm failing at something that I can't control, but everyone's winning except me. I hate that feeling. I hate it when I see people kissing and holding hands. I want that too! But I don't have it. I have a really big jealousy. And I hate that too. I'm happy for those people, I really am, but I just want that for myself too. Just cuddling and kissing, someone who I can call or text and he/she will come over just to be with me, not someone else. But I don't have that, so I keep on being jealous. it sounds so selfish: I want, I want, I want. But I don't mean it selfish, it's not like I don't want happiness for everyone, because I do! It's just that I want myself in a happy place too. Right now I'm not in a happy place. I probably won't make it this year, so I have to re do this year. But back to the subject.

My crush(ing)
It's not that I don't have a crush on someone, because I have. I told him I liked him, but he responded: "well that's something to think about". Well that's a decline. A year ago I told that guy I liked him. And I still have a crush on him. Even my best friend (who is more like a sister to me then a friend) told me that she always thought we were like "a thing". If it only would be true. But no I live in the reality, where I'm alone in my bed. And it just breaks me to not say something about my feelings that I still have. It breaks me every time I talk to him and that he's not feeling the same way about me. It sucks that I think about him, like all the time, but he probably isn't thinking a second of his day thinking about me. That just breaks me mentally, and I know I'm torturing myself with that, but I can't help it. I just really have a crush on him.

I need to stop torturing myself. I just need to say to myself: "hey Lizy, now you going to let go and be happy with yourself". But I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. That makes me weak, not that I think I'm weak, but it just makes me weak to not let go. I mean, I'm crushing on him for 1,5 year and he knows I like him. If he would've wanted something with me, he should've done that already. It's not like: "ow no, he waits for the right time". Because if that was the situation he would've asked me today (Valentinesday). But he didn't so....

Lost faith
It just sucks. I mean all my friends have boys that are hitting on them. I have literally none! I mean am I ugly or something? If so, please tell me what I could do about it!  I'm just sick and tired of thinking about this, about not having a boyfriend, about still being a virgin. Not that I really want to have sex or something, but people keep asking like: "are you still a virgin on that age?" Yes I am! Some people say mean things like: "but you haven't kissed anyone yet, right?" Eh, how do you even know? Do I have a sign on my back or something that says: "Hello there, I'm a virgin and I haven't kissed anyone yet" Even my friends have given up hope that I'll find someone before my graduation. Even though I still have 2,5 years left. That's just cruel of my friends. My friends are still virgins too, at least 2 of the 4 still are. But I just want it to happen. I want it to get over with. With the whole virgin thing. Just over! I really lost faith in the image of myself with someone. It's just pathetic, it really is. I go out sometimes, with friends. We drink some alcohol and do some shots.

For those who think: "where the hell do you live where you can already drink?" Well I live in the Netherlands and it's legal to drink at the age of 18. But when you're in a club you'll always find someone who's willing to get you a beer:-)

But back to the point: I see someone who I think is cute, I start talking with that person, then just a second later he starts talking to my friends and I can just see that he isn't interested in me AT ALL. It's just really depressing for myself.

Nobody likes me?
Sometimes I got the feeling that nobody likes me. Not even my own family. And I know, I'm sometimes a bitch. But I just get that strong feeling ALL THE TIME. It isn't a great feeling. I hate that feeling.
I blame myself for having that feeling. I never told somebody this but, I have a feeling, a need, to please everybody. Literally everybody: my family, my friends even people I've just met two seconds ago. I really want them to feel good, despite my own feelings.
Sometimes it breaks me and then I cry, after a few minutes I've cried enough and I go on. (Really I'm a non-feeling person. I can stop crying if I want to, even though it's very emotional, I can just put it away and stop). Because I want to please people, I think people don't like me. I think people think that I'm not an individual, they think I can't decide for myself. And thats why people don't like me. Or sometimes when I'm finally comfortable in a group, I say or do something that changes everything. After that happens nobody talks to me ever again. And that's why I'll never get somebody to love me. I mean my parents love me, but somebody love me in a different way. In a way that I don't feel the need to please that person. Even though I know already, that I'll always try to please him, even he doesn't want me to.

And that's why I probably stay alone forever. Nobody will ever like and love somebody that is everything that stands above here.

X Lizy