Reasons to Live

1: the beginning of the end

The water gushes down below me, a constant cascade of dark waves thrashing against the banks. I look up at the sky and see nothing. I see the blank nothingness of the night staring back at me with no stars, no moon, no hope of tomorrow or something more. 

There is no God. Nothing to save me from my despair, no external being that can find a way to sweep in and give me a 2nd chance this time. I should have died that night instead of them, there's no way to get around the facts. Anyway, that is what I tell myself as I contemplate ending it all. 

Death is a strange concept. One minute you're there and then the next, poof, you're gone. I've always wondered though, how 'gone' really are you? Can my parents watch over me from the beyond or when their time was up, did they just disappear into a dark void, never to be seen again? 

I mean, in a way, this isn't even suicide. I could just be attempting some incredibly psychotic science experiment to test what happens after you die. Except I won't be alive to relay the results. Okay, that sounds lame, screw that idea. This is me trying to kill myself. This is me running away from nothing and nobody because there is virtually no one left to stop me.

I hear a car race past and try to block out the whizzing noises of the outside world. 'You can do this.' I mutter indignantly.

'No I can't. No, I really can't.' I respond back. Great now you're talking to yourself.

Okay. So now I've turned into a suicidal teenager, too weak to actually go through with it. 

My feet teeter on the edge as the wind blows ferociously in my direction. But I stay grounded and clutch my sides, bracing for the end. Inching my toes over the edge, I glance out across the horizon and pray that I'll see them again soon. I guess this is what people mean when they say a belief in God is comforting to the dying in their final moments. Does that apply to atheists who are in fact not dying but crazy and lost in their own minds?

'What am I doing?' I think to myself in haste, but I shake my head of all doubtful thought until my head is clear once again. 

Stretching my arms out wide like some sort of symbolic bird, I take a deep breath and step forward into the abyss. As I fall through the air further and further down, I hear a noise. I seem to go on falling forever, and the sound seems to get louder and louder. 

'Emma!' the voice shouts. 

My ears prick up as I drift slowly into the depths below my feet.

'Emma! It's all going to be okay sweetie.'

'Mom?'

At that moment, time seems to stop at a standstill and tears begin to fall down my cheeks like wet drops of rain. She shakes my shoulders and stares at me in disbelief, 'You need to wake up now sweetie.'

I dismiss her comment in my utter shock at what I was seeing in front of me. 'I'm so sorry Mom... I just wanted to see you again.' 

She gives me a look as if to say she understands completely. Suddenly, a bright light overwhelms me and I'm transported to a separate pane. 

I open my eyes slowly in disbelief and ask, 'Am I in heaven?'

A small blurry figure sitting on my chest giggles and places something fluffy on my head. I then rub my eyes to the sight of my 3-year-old cousin, Izzy perched on my stomach and my aunt standing over me with a worried look on her face.

'Emma? I think you were having a nightmare sweetie. I poured some water over your face and shook you a bit, but you're a pretty hard person to get up!' she jokes.