Only When You're Lonely

Chapter One

I sat on the couch with my best friend, Kellin, our legs tangled together. He giggled, looking at his phone. We were supposed to be watching The Office for our Saturday date night.

"What are you laughing over?" I asked, trying to look at his phone screen.

"Oh, nothing. Just something on Twitter," he lied. I ignored it and watched Jim flirt with the receptionist, Pam, on the television. Kellin kept giggling. I tried my best to tell myself it was nothing, but I know Kellin and there's something up. This kid has been my friend for a few months now and I know when he's lying to me.

"I think you should go ahead home. I'm tired," I said, getting up from the couch. It wasn't a lie. I had a hard day at work, and I was ready for bed.

"But, it's Saturday night," he said with confusion in his voice.

"I'm just tired, Kellin," I told him. "I'll see you Monday."

He got up and hugged me slightly, walking out the door and getting in his car. I thought after what happened in the park, he would act differently. Kellin did act differently, but not in the way I expected.

I got a shower and continued to think about how Kellin acted. Did I do something? Why was he paying more attention to his phone than me? Ever since we became friends, he has always come over on Saturday night when I get off work and watch something or just hang out. He always made sure to focus on me and I did the same for him. Why was tonight different from any night before now?

I couldn't stop over thinking the situation. I didn't sleep that night. I laid awake, listening to music. Kellin has this way of always making me feel special. I've been his number one for months now and him not paying attention to me scared me. I sound clingy, but I don't care. I feel like I'm losing Kellin.

I made my way into school on Monday morning tired as hell. I hadn't talked to Kellin since he left on Saturday night. He didn't care to try to talk to me either.

I sat down with my brother, Mike, and his friends. I know that makes me sound like a loser, but his friends are my friends. The group was talking about getting laid that weekend and what else they had done.

"What did you get into this weekend, Vic?" Tony asked.

"Not much. Worked mostly," I shrugged. "Kellin was being weird Saturday night and I haven't talked to him since."

"Shit, that sucks," Mike sighed.

I nodded and they went on. I saw Kellin from across the room. We don't speak to each other at school. I don't think anyone, but my friends know we're close. I've never cared; not everyone needs to know what I get into in my free time. I turned away from looking at him for a second. When I looked again, he was gone.

I sent Kellin a message asking where he went this morning, but he left me on read. I went on with my day the best I could, but I was worried about Kellin. I know he doesn't worry, but I overly care and worry about him more than I should.

By the time I got home that evening, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Kellin doesn't get this part of my life, but my anxiety and depression wear me out beyond belief. There are some mornings that I'm late to school because it is such a struggle. I was almost asleep when my phone buzzed on my bedside table.

It was a Twitter notification.

Even though I don't really have the energy to talk to Kellin this evening, I want him to text me. I always text him first. If he really cares, he can text me.

I should have stayed with that mentality, but instead, I sent him a message asking how his day was.

Kellin: It was shit. Just like every other day.

Me: I'm sorry.

Me: Mine was okay.

Kellin: That's good.

Me: wyd

He didn't answer me. The logical part in my brain said that he was busy doing something and he'll text me back when he can. The emotionally alert part of my brain went off, telling me he was pissed at me and I need to find out why.

I got up from my bed and went to talk to my mama about it. "Hey, Ma," I smiled.

"How was your day, Vic?" she asked, hugging me.

"It was okay," I told her. "Something's up with Kellin."

"What's going on?" she questioned.

"He's being distant. I keep telling myself he's just busy, but I'm worried that I've done something to him," I explained.

"When did it start?"

"Saturday night. We were watching The Office and he wasn't paying attention. He was being distant and wasn't talking to me, just looking at his phone. We didn't talk on Sunday, and today we've sent one or two texts back and forth. Something is up," I told her, my throat starting to close in panic.

"Hey, hey, it's going to be okay, Vic," she cooed. I wrapped my arms around her as I cried.

"I know this sounds stupid to you, but I care about Kellin so much. I've become so close with him that now I feel like if I lose him, I'll be lost. With Kellin, I feel like I'm not forced to be happy like I am with all my other friends. He's made me a better person, Mama," I cried.

"It's going to be okay, Vic."

I couldn't sleep again that night. I kept replaying what happened in the park a few nights ago.

"Vic, you're absolutely amazing," Kellin whispered.

"You are too, Kells," I whispered back. We were on a late-night park date. I couldn't sleep and Kellin was willing to meet me at the park to swing.

"I'm so glad I met you," he told me. "I don't know what I would do without you in my life."

"We met a few months ago," I chuckled.

"Yeah, but you made me something. Something I enjoy being. You care about me in a way no one ever has. You've shown me what it's like to be in a happy family. You've made me a better person and I can never thank you enough for it," he admitted.

"You don't need to thank me, Kellin," I smiled.

"Can I do something that you might hate me for?" he asked.

"Sure?" I chuckled.

Kellin put his lips on mine, kissing me softly. At that moment, I felt like everything I had done for him was worth it. I helped him selflessly, but I feel like it was his way of saying thank you and meaning it. We kissed for what felt like hours, but it was only minutes.

"I should get home," he said. He pecked my cheek one more time and walked away.

I felt a wave of self-hatred as a tear fell down my face. He made me feel loved just to leave me like I'm nothing. This always happens. I wish I could find out what's going on with him right now, but I know that if I push him, he'll push me away.

Me: i miss you kinda a lot. ill see and talk to you tomorrow.

a/n

this story means a lot to me. i honestly don't care if anyone else likes it. im writing for myself and not caring about chapter numbers, word counts, or views. it's for me.