Over coming the big things

Day 1

**Just to let you know this won't be comfortable and is hard for me to get across.

Day 1 for me was August 26, 2018. This day has been the hardest, most numbing and un-forgetting day for me. I was date raped or sexually assaulted which ever you preferred. I try to type out the scenario often as I can to try to actually realize what happened to me. For this experience people around me recognize what happen and feel pain for me. But for me, I am completely numb and my brain just blocks out the event as if it didn't happen.

 I met him on Tinder, which I get is just for hookups. We did Snap chat for awhile and I did throw some sexual innuendos out there. We both did, I have been told by so many people that me being raped is both our faults. I think this is the hardest comment for me to hear, is that it is my fault that I was raped. That it's my fault that I didn't fight him off or scream. When I invited him to my room, he looked nothing  like his Tinder profile. For me I am too nice and understanding for people. So, I thought I would take a chance. In that moment looking back I wish I had a pair of balls and told him to fuck off. 

Bringing him into my room, none of my roommates were here except one that I didn't know about. We got onto my bed and I just really wanted to watch a show. Except he told me, " I didn't come here to watch Netflix, I came here to fuck". I was really shocked on how straight forward he was. I am never good at making the first move.. So i tried to kiss him but that's just where I regret everything. 

Right when I kissed him, he grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a split second I was so shocked. He told me that Daddy was in charge and I had to listen. I have never personally had a Daddy kink but I do understand some people do. The whole beginning situation was weird to me. He did go down on me and I didn't enjoy it. With this said, I felt very pressured to pretend. When he was done, he forced me to do the same. My head was pushed all the way down on his dick. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was crying because it hurt. 

He laughed of course and said "that's how Daddy likes it".

He would pull me up by my hair and push me back down, I felt like a rag doll. Completely confused, when he went to go penetrate me, my stupid self said to put a condom on. I felt inside that this whole situation that was happening wouldn't be rape if a condom was on. He proceeded, right when he was inside of me, his grip around my throat got tighter. All I could think about was 'how do I breathe?'. Right when I thought I could get a breath of air, he hit me across my face. I thought the first time he hit me was a joke, it wasn't. I was hit in the face total of 7 times. To prevent myself from crying, I just kept thinking on how strong this will make me. When "Daddy", was done hitting me, he would flip me over. My face was pressed up so hard against the mattress I felt the cheap springs inside. My tears soak through, and I could hear was silence. I felt what was happening to me, but I felt silence and peace in the actions. All I could look forward to was crying in the shower. I have never felt so stupid, worthless and numb all in one moment before. He paused and took the condom off. I curled up to the wall next to my bed. I remember how badly my throat burned, I was holding so many tears back. The wall was so cold, and so soothing. He told me repeatedly that he thought I enjoyed rough sex.  He manipulated myself into sucking his dick and doing the entire process again. I have never wished for a man to finish so quickly in my life. I wanted to peel my skin off and scream until my vocal cords burst. 

August 26th I lost all my rights as a human being. On this day I have never felt so confused in my life. Many regrets followed after of course.