Over coming the big things

The Letter

For myself and many other victims, letters are written. I have finally completed my letter and now I'm just trying to find the perfect envelope to send it in. Took me about 7 months to edit and work on this!

Dear Mrs. Moebius,

I have been thinking for months on how to write you this letter on how to even introduce a horrible subject to someone. I have been thinking how crazy it is I have been working on this letter for months and you'll only read it in about 10 minutes? After reading it you might throw this away, burn it, or even hide it. When even writing this letter, I know you won't take my side because he is your son and you love him. For me this is trying to find peace or hoping that the right thing will be done. I am not including my name, because I don't want you to hurt me or him. I don't want you to reach out to e and retrigger me. I want nothing to do with you just only tell you what Andrew did to me, something he will never tell.

For you, I am unknown to you, you will probably never know who I am because most likely your son buries me deep into his memory. He probably never even thinks twice about me. For your son, I am a "hook-up" in his mind. I know he knows what he did, and even the cops know what he did. For your son justice will never be served though because he will never confess. Your son raped me, and I live with this thought everyday and every moment of my life. I have been told so many times that I will never get over this, that I will have to live with this for years. I will die knowing I was a rape victim and no justice was ever served. I will die knowing that your son got to live his years PTSD free, that your son got to live therapy free, and that you son was free. No letter can even explain how much pain and trauma he has caused me. I live everyday wondering if I will see him at work or walking down the street. Or even when I see a white Camaro, I wonder if that is him. I also know no letter can even explain for you to see my point of view. I wish upon no women to be raped, but I do wish for someone to see into my perspective. I have lost all friends with this event, people constantly see me as fragile, on edge, scared, or someone who could break at any moment. After being raped, I have become so numb to life, I have become so numb and heartbroken over things I once enjoyed, I don't know how to be human anymore. Your son defiled me, I constantly feel worthless, disgusting, slutty, and guilty. I look in the mirror and see an ugly girl who is barely making it through the day, through a work shift or through sleep. For 7 months I lived in a prison that I called my room once before the event. Everyday I walked into hell, I felt that I lost every day I woke and went to sleep.

For those 7 months I had to constantly fucking live through what your son did to me. No matter how many things I rearranged, when I laid in bed I could almost feel his hands around my throat and whispering in my ear saying, "please daddy". I have also realized after the event, everyone wants to know the details of the rape like it is some sick-com for you to listen in on. Like everyone else, I know you want to know. You want to know every detail on how your son spit in my face and laughed. How he choked me so hard to where I couldn't say no. And when I did he would shove his fingers down my throat. Or another detail is where I thought I could breathe he would flip me over and press his hands so hard on my spine, I would have not breathed than feel the pain again. When I thought it was all over, I cried, and he made me feel guilty because it was my fault I didn't say anything when I couldn't. When my body was frozen, and I just focused on surviving instead of following the standard rules of rape. I remember just listening to my heart beat instead of him pounding himself inside of me. All I could think of was if anyone is going to love me after this. If my family will love me, if I could ever find someone to love me or if my friends will still love me. To think that I can ever have a relationship with someone is a joke for me, I laugh at myself, because that I spent years building has been destroyed by YOUR son.

For Andrew, I did go to the police, they are aware of what he did to me. Background checks will ask why you have a report filed on rape against me. During the investigation, I was terrified Andrew would find me and hurt me. We had so much evidence piled against him, I thought I had a chance at winning, that all this trauma and stress would have a victory. Oh, how wrong I was, I was told so many times by the DA that no one would believe me. Out of everything that happened this is probably the most infuriating thing yet. I was told no jury would believe me. I was frozen in time, the fact that no jury could see how much Andrew had ruined me emotionally, physically and mentally. The whole idea was just ridiculous to me, the only good side I could see of this was not looking Andrew in the eye.

Andrew has my family; my siblings are in constant pain for me as well as my parents. No parent wants to hear that their daughter was raped and yet in this world someone must be this person. Honestly, I hope knowing this knowledge it destroys your family. I hope you feel that pain and anger felt by my family. I hope you see the monster living underneath your roof and you fix it. I have never had so much rage and hatred for one person. I have never wanted to scream at someone so much, I have never wanted to cause so much pain to one person. Andrew has caused pain to myself and my family. I understand that as a mother you will take your son's side because you can't believe that your son is a RAPIST. I understand that you will have a hard time imagining the son you birthed, that you thought was such a miracle of life that was brought into this world could do something so evil. That YOUR child would grow up to be a rapist. Luckily for you, Andrew gets to walk freely as a rapist and now he gets to be your dark secret. You get to carry the burden and pain, that I carry every day. You get to wake up and pretend to be such a proud mother of such a perfect son. For me, I have been repeatedly told that I do not move past this, I learned to live around it for the rest of my life. With this said, while I learn to move up from this experience. I hope you do to, I hope that you believe me like the officers, detective, my family and friends do. I don't blame you, I can't blame you for something you had no part in. I am just simply asking you to reteach Andrew to respect women and teach him what consent means.

Kind Regards,

Anonymous